My bike was used last weekend.
But not by me.
My husband tried it out first.



It's very easy to ride.
Apparently.
He rode it over to a field.  I followed on my quad.

Then it was my turn.  I just sat on it for awhile.  Rocked it sideways.  Getting used to the weight of it.  Then it was time to go.
It has a clutch.  Same as a manual car....you rev the gas and slowing let go of the clutch and then you take off.
I did it.
  I went a few feet and then stopped and turned it off.  I started it again.  Took off.  When I slowed down to stop...I didn't put my foot out far enough and the bike tipped on me.  It didn't hurt.  And I wasn't scared.

But...

I hated it.
  
I felt sick to my stomach the whole time.  I can't even pinpoint why.  But I think what I didn't like was the what ifs.  What if I couldn't stop it?  What if I killed it?  What if I tipped it over? I hated not knowing exactly when I was going to take off.   I think a part of me dumped it on purpose because in my mind...I figured it was going to happen anyway and this way I had control over when it was going to happen.

I know.  That is crazy.  But I think it's true.
Because that's the only part that I could really control.
Falling off.


We went back to camp and Micah wanted to try it.


Its to big for him.  And a little different then his bike.  His dad gave him some quick instructions.  And then he was off.


He did great.
I was so jealous.  He made it look so easy.  But I have to remember that he has been riding for about two years now.
And I have been riding for five seconds.



See mom?  Easy peasy.

Can we just take a look at all that gear for a second?  He was just tootling around our campsite and he has full gear on.  Always.
Boots, helmet, goggles (pink!), chest protector, neck protector and gloves.
I know he could still get hurt.  But we do all we can to ride safe.
Always.

I will get on my bike again.
 
I'm just not sure when.
 
Part of it is that right now...my anxiety is through the roof.  I am terribly jumpy, skittish and unsettled.  I talked to Jaime about it.  She suggested adding another med.
I really don't want too....but if it will relax me a bit...I think it might be good.
Because these days...it doesn't take alot to get my heart palpitating.  A unexpected noise.  Or movement.  I keep expecting something bad to happen.  A car to cross over the line.  Falling down our stairs.  Something to fall out of the cupboard when I open it.
Not a fun way to go through the day.

So.  Maybe when I get a little more settled...I will try the bike again.
And not expect the worst.  And not be so scared.
And love it.

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