First of all,

Ma, I have no idea what that plant is called.  It's some sort of lilly.  And look!  It bloomed!   I have no idea if it will keep blooming or if it's a one time thing.

That probably doesn't answer your question.





The place where I work just got a load of cows.  I think I could watch them for hours.  They are so curious and gentle.  But also scaredy-cats.  And if one starts to run off, they all do.  I like their sounds and even the smell doesn't bother me to much.


Some friends of ours just got chickens. They live in the city so all the neighbors have to sign off on it.
One neighbor is being a stinker about it.  They are so adorable right now. And our friends are getting really attached to them.  The all have names.  So I really hope they get to keep them.

So much for the random stuff.  This post is actually about how busy I am going to be the next two weeks.  I am leaving for Jackson, Wyoming on Thursday and coming back Saturday.  At least I think it's Saturday.  It could be Sunday.  I guess I better find out.  It's a working trip.  In fact I expect to be running my tail off practically the whole time.

Then the following week is the convention.  We leave on Thursday.

That is going to take alot of preparation.

I'm not ready for either trips.

I'm still not at my full potential.  I am better.  That is for sure.  But I am so scatter brain right now.  And the increase dosage of Welbutrin is making me shake. Bascially just my hands.   I hope that stops soon.  It's not annoying or anything.  It's just sort of embarrassing.

I start to decrease my Viibryd next Sunday and I have no idea how I will react to that.  Hopefully I'll just have heart palpitations like I usually do when I go off meds.  Feels funny and is bit scary but I can deal with that.  Physical side effects I can handle.

It's the mental part that may be tough.

Or maybe not.  Maybe I will have a smooth transition and I'll continue to be on the upswing.

I hope.  I'm going to be to busy not too.

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On Friday I met with a nurse practitioner named Maggie.  Before I saw her I had to fill out a load of paper work.  Pages and pages of  "always, sometimes, not very often or never".  I felt like I was in school.

When filling out mental health forms I am always proud of myself that I can say "never" to questions like...

"Do you pick fights?"

"Do you steal things?"

"Do you see people who aren't really there?"

I always think, "See?  I'm not so bad off after all."

But then there are other questions.  Questions that I would rather not be truthful about.  Because they make me sad.   But I mark my answers the best that I can.

Maggie called me into her office.  She had a sweet face and a warm voice.  She looked younger then me.  By alot.

But that didn't matter.  She really knew her stuff.

She told me to start from the beginning.  In a nutshell.

Oh boy.

So I go through my whole story.  Of course I end up crying and she promptly hands me the Kleenex box.  I bet she has a whole cabinet full of them.

She is typing furiously as I'm talking.

After about 45 minutes she reaches the verdict.

The Viibryd isn't working.  She  increased my Wellbutrin dosage because I seem to be feeling better with that. Once my body is used to the higher dosage (around two weeks) then I will cut my Viibryd  in half.  I do that for two weeks then go in to see her.  Then she will prescribe me Zoloft.

The only bad part is that going off of Viibryd even slowly can cause withdrawal symptoms.  Meanwhile I'll be starting a new drug that may have side effects.  She warned me that I may feel worse before I feel better.

I can handle that as long as I'm prepared for it.

We did talk about ECT.  She said that it is extremely affective and the results are immediate.
But I haven't exhausted all the medications so I'm not at the end of the road yet.

She wrapped up things with me and gave me her card.  And another card with a suicide hotline number on it.

That made me shudder a bit.

But I guess look at where I'm at.

So that is that.

I am hopeful.

Meanwhile, I have a little more energy.  I planted some flowers this weekend.



I went through all my summer clothes and shoes.




There is no way I could have done this even a few weeks ago.

So that is progress.  I'm not all the way there yet.  But I feel like I can breathe a little easier.

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I'm feeling a little better.  A week ago Sunday I woke up and felt a tad lighter.  Last week I didn't have to talk myself out of calling in sick to work.  I ran some errands and didn't force myself in and out of the truck.  I caught up on a few things at home.  I smiled and laughed.  I lingered a little at meeting instead of bolting for the door as soon as they said Amen.

Every day isn't a good one though.  On Thursday I slept until 11.  I went to the butcher to pick up a quarter of a cow that we bought.  I came home and went back to bed.  I slept until 2:30.  I picked up Micah from school.  And came home and went to bed until 5:00.  Then proceeded to sleep the whole night through.

I was dragging on Friday.

But then Saturday and Sunday were fairly good days.

Today was better then most I've had in months.

 It comes in waves.  I will be feeling light and airy one hour and the next I want to hide and never see anyone again ever.  My mind races from I'm a horrible rotten person to I have some good stuff inside of me.

So I guess that is progress.  Because at least there are some positive feelings during the day.  And I tell you what, it has been so long since I felt normal that when I feel good it is almost euphoric. Even if it's only for a hour.   It's like  a high.  I want to hurry and get things done and enjoy every single second.  I want to soak in that good feeling into my bones.  I wish I could store it up and use it sparingly.  Spread it out a little.  Conserve it for the days that I'm really busy and need the energy.

I cannot even imagine feeling good everyday, all day.  Would I take it for granted after awhile?  I don't think so.

Try me.  Please.  

I'm keeping my appointment with the nurse at the psychiatric office.  I still think my meds need tweaking.

So I am hanging on.  Hoping for more good days then bad.  I pray every night that the next morning I'll feel OK.  That maybe this will last for awhile.

I am holding my breath.

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