Friday night we  camped at the Bessey Recreation Complex.  It's surrounded by a national forest.  It was the perfect place to spend the night.












Home away from Home


Saturday morning we packed up and headed down Highway 11 for more hunting.


We arrived home around 7:30 with a truck full of goodies.
We had such a great time.
I've already marked my calendar for next year.

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We left on Friday at 5 a.m.  We made it to our first stop by 7:30.  I had no idea what to expect.





I was not disappointed.  It was incredible.  We hit almost every small town on Highway 2.  There were pink signs indicating where to stop.  I also had my handy Junk Jaunt guide. It had a map of each small town and the vendors were all numbered with a small description of what they were selling.



I will write about the treasures we found in another post.

Besides enjoying the hunt, I absolutely loved the small towns.




And the old houses and barns.



And the old trucks.






And  collections.




We traveled all day and ended up in Halsey.  It was beautiful.  More later....

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Before my boss died  I had a rare day off and I decided to hit a few garage sales.  That takes a bit of planning.  I used Craigslist to get organized.  I found two huge neighborhood sales, an estate sale and a barn sale.

My first stop?

Scooters.

Next up was one of the neighborhood  sales. There were about 12 garage sales.  I stopped at a couple.

Then I hit the jackpot.


I found an old sewing rocking chair.  It's a bit shorter then most chairs but perfect for me.  It's my new desk chair.  It was a little pricey at 25 bucks...but after I sat in it...I had to have it.

The barn sale was about 45 minutes away in Logan, Iowa.  I entered the address on my phone.  It took me to a gravel road.  That turned into a dirt road.  Which would have been alright...except for it had just poured rain.  I thought I would be fine...having a four wheel drive and all.

Nope.


Those are all mine.  If there had been a ditch...I would have slid in it. Thankfully there wasn't and I was able to back down the road.

I didn't drive 45 minutes for nothing though!  I had to find that barn! I went back out to the main road and a few miles down I saw some signs.



Very cool barn packed with old stuff.  Most of which I wasn't interested in.  I did buy this cabinet for two dollars.


It's upside down. I think I will take the doors off and paint it.

I drove back into town  to the estate sell.  Estate sales always make me sad.  Its usually in a house where old people used to live.  They are either dead or in a nursing home.  And the things that have "value" are for the picking by complete strangers.

The house had a tiny back yard with a gigantic pear tree.  The branches were so heavy they were drooping with pears.  The yard was littered with them.  I wish I would have had the nerve to ask if I could pick some.

I went inside and walked from room to room.  If I was alone I would have lingered in those rooms and touched everything.  But there was alot of people in there and some were loud talkers.  Kind of takes away from the experience.  I found this gem for ten dollars.




I loved the color and how petite it was. It works too!  I can't wait to find a spot for it in my office.

I thought the day was successful.  I'm still on the hunt for dining room chairs. This Friday me and my husband are going on the "Junk Jaunt".  It is miles and miles of garage, barn and estate sales.  About 35 small towns participate.  We are going to leave early and start in Cairo (not far from Grand Island) and end up in Halsey.  We will camp there and then head back home going a different route.

Hopefully the truck with be full of treasures.  If not, I will still enjoy the hunt.

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Like I am so close to tipping over.

A little unstable.

Leaning in to reach something I can't quite grasp.

But still standing.

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Sunday morning, me and my husband visited a nursery.  We were in search of a tree for our front yard.  We walked through rows and rows of trees.  We wanted one that was moderate to fast growing.  It had to be hardy to survive the Nebraska weather.  This was a big decision.  This tree would be with us for a long time.

We found it.


It's a Red Oak.  It's suppose to grow about two feet a year.

I smile every time I look at it.


It looks so small in our front yard.  And a little lonely.  But I think it's really cute.  And hopefully in a few years it will grow and branch out.  And I won't remember our yard without it.

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Life goes on.  Even when your grieving.  Kids still need to eat.  Things need to get cleaned.  And there are evenings when I can almost climb out of my sadness.

I love sitting on our front porch.


My son bought a horn.  For a semi.

To put in his truck.





I watched this kid play quarterback, receiver, commentator and referee all in one play.



Maybe this week will be easier.  Maybe it won't.  It's ok either way really.  I'm just taking one day at a time.  And the evenings too.

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On July 10th I wrote a post called "I Have Some Questions."

Now I have some answers.

1) Will she die at home?  No

2) How long will she be bedridden? Not at all

3) Or will she even be bedridden?  I am so thankful that she wasn't.  

4) Will it be peaceful?  For the most part...yes.

5)  Will it be agony for her?  No.  The months before were agony.  But not the morning she died. 

6)  How will I feel?  Shock?  Sadness?  Relief?  That morning I only felt shock.  And fear.  

7)  Will I be there?  No.  I arrived a half hour after the ambulance left.  I'm glad I didn't see her. 

8)  If I am not there, will I be sad and disappointed that I missed her last breath?  No.

9)  Who will I hug first?  Her daughter in law.  Then her husband.  

10)  What will be the first phone call that I make?  The first person to call ME was her son.  He asked if I was ok.  Her son.  Asked if I was ok!  The first person I called was one of her very good friends.  It was awful.  I only had to tell two other of her friends after that.  

11)  Will the family push me out because I am not "family?"  No.  On the contrary...they included me in everything.  They hugged and cried with me.  I was with them the entire week.   

12)  Will a nurse be there?  Will hospice be involved?  No and No.  Both I am thankful for. 

13)Will she have that last spurt of energy that I have heard about?  Yes.  The week before I honestly thought she was going to get better.  The Wednesday before she died was an incredible day.  I am so glad that I was with her for that. 

14) During her last days will she turn angry and say things she doesn't mean?  No.  She did get very frustrated.  But not mean. 

15)  Will she talk to people who are not there?  No.  She never lost her mind. 

16)  Does the death rattle really sound like a "rattle"?  I have no clue.

17) Will she stop eating and drinking?  Yes.  The day before her death.  

18)  Will I get to say goodbye?  No.  And surprisingly...I am ok with that. I was with her on Saturday night for four hours.  We talked and laughed a little.  I told her goodbye that night.  And that I would see her on Monday.  

19)  How much time do I have left with her?  One day shy of two months.

20)  HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE LEFT WITH HER?  Not nearly enough.

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Every time I'm at Sheplers, I have to look at the kids boots.  You simply cannot look at these and not smile.  


My girl would definitely be wearing these.  Maybe the brown ones..



Or maybe she would be a tomboy and wear one of these.


It always makes me happy when I see little ones wearing cowboy boots.

I'm glad my little guys grew up to be big guys who still love cowboy boots.  

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"There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently then ten thousand tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love." 

~ Washington Irving


"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."

~ Author Unknown

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I woke up last night at 1:00 a.m. Fell back asleep at 4:00 a.m.  Woke up at 5:00 a.m.

Then I stared the minutes down.  One week ago at this exact moment....'this' happened.  And then 'this' happened.  And so on.

At 5:55 a.m. I missed the first phone call.

 I answered the second at 6:01 a.m.  It lasted 4 minutes.

I got dressed in what I'm now guessing was dirty clothes.

 Her son called me twice as I was flying down her road.  Once at 6:47 for 1 minute and again at 6:50 for 4 minutes.
I only remember him calling once.
 
I keep scrolling through my phone.  Looking at the numbers.  Remembering who I called.  Who called me.
It is soothing.
 
Work today was strange.  I walk in the door and there is an empty space where she used to sit and wait for me.  She would ask about my evening and then we would talk about what is for breakfast.  Usually something burnt.
 
A burnt English muffin with lots of butter and peanut butter.
 
Now instead of greeting her I go straight to the kitchen/family room where my other boss sits reading the paper.  I shut the blinds so the sun isn't in his face.  We chat about nothing.  We are both a little hoarse from all the crying.  We are both trying to be normal even though we know that the other is hurting so badly.
 
I make myself a cup of coffee.  For 14 years she has set out a cup for me.  She hadn't been able to do that for quite some time.  So I don't feel sad getting my own cup out.  I had already mourned that loss along time ago.
 
I push through the day.  I have to focus and not give into my grief.  I have to care for him now and that takes a different kind of strength
.
But once I get home, I have the privilege of crumbling.  It is a sweet relief.  I get into bed and let the blankets and the sadness cover me.  I eat two hostess cupcakes.  I go through work papers.  Schedules and notes of phone calls I need to make.  I'll try to find a movie to watch on Netflix.  But I think I'll just end up staring at the screen and not really hearing the words.

And that's OK.

It's been nine days since I've seen her.

One week since she took her last breath.

Four days since her funeral.

Three hours since I noticed that her dogs keep going into her bathroom to look for her.

Five minutes since I typed the last sentence because I don't know how to end this post.  

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I am at Scooters this morning.  But it's all different.  The air feels heavy.  It's to noisy.  My muffin is tasteless and my drink is to thick.

Yesterday I didn't leave work until 9pm.  I just couldn't pull myself away.  I ate dinner with the family and we talked and talked.  I listened to their stories and they listened to mine.  I told my bosses daughter in law that I loved talking to her girls because it made me feel so close to their Grandma.  And she said...

"They want to be near you because YOU make them feel close to their Grandma."

I cried and cried.

I dreamt last night that she was calling for me and I couldn't find her.



This is me after her service.  Swollen eyes and puffy face.  I cried and snotted and shook.

I know in my heart and mind that I will see her again.  And she will be healthy and youthful and I will have to tell her that I am so sorry but I am not cleaning her house anymore.

But.  For some reason that brings me no comfort now.  Because I miss her.  I want her here.  I hate that she had to suffer. That she had to die that way.  I know why we die and suffer but it still infuriates me. And the ache in my chest is so heavy it hurts.  It feels like I'm drowning. I know time will help.  But right now...I'll just let the grief sink into me.   I'll let it cover me like a blanket.  I loved her hard so I will grieve hard.  And that is OK.

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My boss loved red....hence the red shoes.  I figured I would be kicked out if I had a red dress on.

Today was a very long day.  I ran some errands and then I spent alot of time with the bosses Granddaughters this afternoon.

They are all completely delightful.  We shared stories and tears and laughs.

I got home about 8:30.  I started getting things ready for tomorrow which I believe will be one of the most emotional days of my life.
Micah came in to talk. He wanted me to take a picture of us.


I look like I have been crying for three days straight, running on no sleep and no food.
Plus I have a magnificent cold sore on my lip from stress.

He looks adorable.

I love him so.

I am ready for this week to be over.

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Saturday night I went over to stay with my boss for a few hours.  We watched the football game. She wanted to make sure I had enough light.  She wanted to make sure I wasn't hungry.  She wanted to make sure I was comfortable. After the game,  I got her ready for bed.  We talked for a little bit.  About nothing really.  She just didn't feel good.  We waited for her husband to come home.  I didn't hug her goodbye.

I should have hugged her goodbye.

On Sunday someone at her house texted me and said she wasn't eating.  I was frantically trying to think of suggestions.

On Monday morning I got a phone call at 6:00 a.m. I raced to work.

It all happened very quickly.

It was the best case scenario.

It was the worst case scenario.

I thought I would feel relief.

All I feel is that I want her here.

I want to ask her what I should do next.

The family has been extremely gracious towards me.  I spent the night at the house last night.  I went to the viewing with them today.

I will be there at the "family only" funeral.

I am so thankful.  For her family.  For loving me and wanting me to be there.

For my own family who has given up so many weekends and evening of being with me.  So that I can be with her.

There is so much more to say.  About her.  About me.

I just can't find the words right now.

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I didn't sleep well Friday night.  So today I felt a little off.  I tried taking a nap.  It didn't help.  I started cleaning the kitchen.  That definitely didn't help.  So I asked Ginger if she wanted to go for a ride...

She said, "YES PLEASE!!!!"



I rolled down the windows and turned the air on.  My favorite way to drive.
We drove about 45 minutes on highways.

She was so happy!



(All pictures were taken at a red light.)

People smile at you when you have your dog in the passenger seat.  And sometimes at red lights they talk to the dog too.

It's cute.

Ginger loved it.



I did too.

It was just what I needed.

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