(I looked for a picture but couldn't find anything new or of any relevance.  So I've got nothing.  Sorry.)



Can I ramble on a little bit here?
This week hasn't been good.  
I called Jaime on Tuesday because I had to cancel today because of some scheduling issues.
We talked a little about things going on and then I rescheduled for next Thursday.  She was kind and nice but I really didn't want to have a session over the phone.  I didn't want to talk at all.

My dreams have been bad this week.  Highly emotional and anxiety filled.
Here's a sampling:

* I'm in the front row at a party for my boss.  Her son is beside me in a wheelchair.  He has ALS and can't swallow or talk anymore.  Everyone is standing up to say something.  It's supposed to be a kind word or two about my boss.  Instead it's all announcements about themselves.
 "We are getting married!"
"We bought a house!" I finally stood up and yelled "this is supposed to be a party for my boss!!"
But no one heard me because I had a little bitty voice.

* I'm with my family.  We have bought a huge apartment in a huge building that used to be a gym.  A really crappy gym.  And our bathroom is the shower area and they are filthy and slimy.  I can't find our bedroom.  There is a swimming pool inside and it's so huge I can't see the other side of it. The boys have friends that want to come over and swim.  They show up and I tell them no but they rush in anyway.  I try to count them all but they are to fast.  And now I can't see them anymore.

I wake up  emotional, unsettled and out of sorts.

I need to write a letter.  To some people.  And I really shouldn't while I'm feeling so badly.  But it's hanging over my head and it really shouldn't be like that.  I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.  But I need to do it.  I'm scared what the outcome will be.  It will either be a huge let down.  Or it will change my world.

I don't think I can handle either right now.

So I do nothing.

 I wish I could describe how this all feels.  There are other blogs out there about depression and mental disorders.  And sometimes they are spot on with their descriptions.  But I usually can't find the right words.  This week it feels like there are three other people living in my body.  And they are all trying to talk.  And they all want to do different things.  And I can't decide what to do and nothing feels right and I feel physically uncomfortable.  I don't want to be touched.  And I don't want to talk.  And I don't want to be asked any questions.  And when people do talk to me...I'm not really hearing them and I will just blurt out something that has nothing to do what they are saying.  And the slightest change in plans can throw me off.  Make me feel like I am burning up inside.  And it all makes me feel incredibly sad.  And a little pathetic with the "why me?" feelings.

So I try to sleep.  I woke up around nine today.  I went back to bed at noon.  I slept till three.  I may go back to bed at five.  And chances are I will sleep the whole night.  

Because even with the dreaming....it still feels better then how I feel awake.  

I know this will pass.  I know it will.  It always does.  And life will be good again.  And I will get things done and enjoy moments big and small.

I just wish it would hurry up and pass.

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I don't remember what I did this weekend.
Have I ever told you what my depression medication does to my memory?

It squashes it.

My poor co-worker is used to it.
"Did I just vacuum that rug?"
"Did I tell you to get the dry cleaning? Did I actually say it out loud or just think it?"
"Have you seen my Windex?"




I ask my husband,  "Have we been here before?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."

I have no recollection of it.

I can look at a scripture and stare at it and repeat it in my mind and write it down and even take a picture of it.

I won't remember it.

It is very very very frustrating.  The good news is that I get out of bed each day and I'm able to function like a normal person.  Most days anyway.

So I guess I'll keep taking my medicine and deal with the side effects.

On Saturday I went to Scooters.  And then to work.  And then....everything else is kind of a blur.  I felt so sad and out of sorts.





It feels like I am starting all over again with the grieving process.  I feel raw again.  I have heard this happens but I didn't actually believe it would HAPPEN.  This backtracking.

I made this pie on Saturday.  Or was it Sunday?
I'm not sure.




When I'm out of sorts, the structure of baking helps.  Even though I have to look at the recipe four hundred times.

Sometimes I have to repeat the measurements in my mind over and over again.

1/2 cup, 1/2 cup, 1/2 cup.

Sometimes that doesn't work and I still have to look again.

But that's OK.





The pie was delicious. And it helped me focus on something other then the sadness.

And it was delicious.

Did I say that already?

Haha.

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This is us on Friday before we went to the "Celebration" of my bosses life party.

Before my make up had dripped off from all the tears.

I work with some amazing people.  People who can pull off a fantastic party in very little time.  The location, food and entertainment was absolutely perfect.

She would have loved to have been there.

I held it together fairly well with all the hugging and talking and questions.

But then the entertainment started and the songs were so beautiful.  They were all her favorites.  In between some of them they would say...."Now this is a party!  Let's liven things up a bit!"

Then they would sing a upbeat song.   People would stand up and start dancing.  I couldn't do it.  I just sat there stoically.

I cried and cried and finally I just had to leave.

So we left.  It was almost the end.  But not quite.  I felt bad that I didn't say goodbye to some people.

But they understood.

It was awful.

I felt so sad today.

My heart just has this huge hole in it.

The boss man was exhausted but he said a little speech at the end and it was really nice.  My husband had asked him earlier if I was taking good care of him.

He said, "Well, she picked out this tie for me to wear tonight!"

And you know what?

It was perfect.

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Hi.  I thought I would give a little update on a few things that are going on around here.

Darren finished school!  AND!  Starting tomorrow he will be working 40 hours a week.  He got a job with a company that constructs metal buildings.   He will be working outside and in rural areas.

He is really happy.  So are we!

Micah is doing good.  He likes Middle School.  Friday all the students wore pink for Breast Cancer awareness.  I really wish I would have taken a picture of him.  He had a pink shirt, bright pink socks, pink wrist bands and a pin that said "Real Men Wear Pink."

He looked adorable.

My office is now upstairs.  It's slowing coming together.  Here is a before picture.


It looks a little better now.  Not ready to show you all yet.  I will share this little snippet....

Remember this?


I took the doors off.  And painted it.


I really like how it turned out.

I'm doing OK.  Friday was a bad day.  Saturday was a good one.  Sunday was a good one.

I could write on and on and on about how I'm feeling these days.  I will.  Just not today.

I may not be around much this week.  Friday is a big celebration for my boss.  OK...that just sounded wrong.  She's gone.  That's not really a reason to celebrate.  And technically....she's not my boss anymore either.
The other day my co worker looked at me and said, "You know, we are crazier now then we were before she died."
It's true.  We are so distracted.  We wander through the house and forget what we were supposed to do.  We talk about her all day.  Everything reminds us of her.
We want her back so very badly.

Anyway.  This week family and friends will be coming into town for the "celebration".  So I'll be busy.  Everything else will be put on the back burner.  The office, my to do list (i MUST order our family pictures before we all change) and this ole blog of mine.

I'll write when I can....

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My boss brought me back this sweatshirt from one of his trips.  Honestly....I had never heard of Dartmouth until an acquaintance moved to work there.



It's right up there with Harvard and Princeton.


I was at a book store yesterday and the checker asked if I had went there.
 
I could not stop laughing.

Yes!  I graduated from Dartmouth.  With a Master's in the spray bottle.  A Bachelor's in twice baked potato.  A Doctrine in vacuuming straight lines.

I can sort of see her confusion though.  I was purchasing some reading material for the boss.


Maybe if I had my hair up and glasses on I could have pulled off saying ," Yes.  Yes I did.  In fact,  I am one of the 40 under 40.



Ha!  No. I wouldn't fool anyone.  As soon as I opened my mouth they would know it was a lie.

In the meantime, I will wear my hoodie and let anyone think what they want.  It's soft and warm and fits just right.

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It's been five weeks since she died.  And 38 days since I saw her.  Is it weird that I'm keeping track?  Just let me do it for a while longer OK?

I had a dream about her last night.  It was very vivid.  She hadn't died after all!  They took her to the hospital and told everyone she had died but she was really just getting better.  I gave her a hug.  She looked at me and said,

"Why did you make my husbands hair cut appointment without asking me first?"

I said, "But, but you weren't here!  I had to do it soon because it's so hard to get an appointment with so and so.  I'm so sorry!"

She said, "Next time, you ask me first. You know better then that! I just want to make sure your doing it right"

She looked at me with disgust.  In my mind...I kept thinking, I thought she had died?  Why is she back?  I'm glad to see her but....I wish she wasn't mad at me.  I felt so weird.  And when I woke up...I still felt weird.

I felt strange the whole day.

Some days, I am really confident about the decisions I make at work.  Other days....It takes a week to make one.  Like the cookbooks on the counter.  Should I put them away?  She isn't going to cook anymore.  Her husband isn't going to cook either.  Does it make him sad to see those cookbooks on the counter?  Or does it make him happy?

I left them there.  I will probably leave them there for awhile.  But I did clean out two drawers today without much hesitation.

The dream was disturbing.  But I knew it wasn't real.  Obviously she is still dead.  But besides that...  she would not have gotten mad at me for making that appointment.

 Haircuts, every five weeks, at 8 in the morning.

Exactly what she taught me.

I am taking good care of him.  I am taking good care of the house.

I am doing it right.

Comments:

This weekend I cooked and baked.


Two Lasagnas
Banana Crumb Muffins
Baked Potato Soup
Apple Crisp
Pork Tenderloin and Mashed Potatoes





Of course I had my trusty sidekick helping me.





She couldn't take her eyes off  the lasagna.



I also washed and folded nine loads of laundry.



I am grateful that I had the energy to get things done.

I need to be happy with myself for all that I have accomplished.

 But when I feel good....I push and push and it's still never enough.  When I feel bad....it's overwhelming and I do nothing.

And inside....both feel the same.  Disappointment.  Guilt.  Irritation at myself and others.

However....there were some really sweet moments.

Keith and I had coffee at Scooters on Saturday morning.

 Micah and I played football in the front yard for about a half hour in the afternoon.

Darren told us a story about a old man at Lowe's during dinner.

Those are the things that made the weekend great.  Not how much I accomplished.

Even though....the apple crisp?  It hit the spot.

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I went to work early this morning.  The sky was beautiful.

My husband and oldest son have been out of town the past few days.  So Micah and I have been holding the fort down.  We have spent alot of time together just the two of us.  It's been really fun.




But I'm glad that the rest of my crew is coming back tonight.  My husband requested a picture of me every day this week.  Here they are....












I am really fighting the urge not to pick myself apart.

I won't.  He loved them so I won't.

I think I hear them pulling in the drive.....

Got to go!  Have a good weekend!

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I haven't really felt like writing the past few days.  Still don't. Nothing is really wrong.  I just haven't had alot of time.  When I do have time....I don't feel like writing.

I'm slowing going through papers that my boss kept.  Files and files and files of papers.

The shredder is my friend.


Is easy for me to shred some things.  But if they have her hand writing on it....It's tough.  But I can't keep everything.  It would fill a hundred binders.

See the floor I'm standing on?


That's the floor in my new office.  We ripped out the carpet and this was underneath. It's beautiful.   I'm not going to do a single thing to it.

I had high hopes the past few days to get things moved in there.  But that didn't happen.  Maybe tomorrow.

Saw Jaime today.  I hadn't seen her since my boss had died.  We had alot of catching up to do.  I talked the entire time so she didn't have much of a chance to help me.  I walked out of her office feeling like it was a waste of time.  I know it wasn't.  But I hate hearing myself talk.

I guess that's it.  Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little lighter and will write more.

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Last week, I went to lunch with a kind and generous soul.  She was a friend of my boss.

Let's call her Mary.

The past few months, Mary would text me and ask what she could do for my boss.  She would beg me to tell her what she could send.  I would think hard and come up with something that my boss had mentioned.

Slippers.  Lotion.  Soup.

Near the end I couldn't think of anything so I told her to just send funny cards.  She sent the ones that played a little tune when you opened it.  My boss got such a kick out of them.

After she died,  Mary would text me to see how I was doing.  She sent me comforting words.

At lunch we talked for three hours.  She also gave me a very generous gift.



She explained that the center diamond represented my boss.  The diamonds around it were the lives that she touched.

I cried when I saw it.

I hugged her tight.

It's perfect.

I don't wear jewelry very often.  And when I do...it's always simple and usually the same two or three things.

I'm going to wear this.  Not everyday of course.  But at least two or three times a week.  Because it's so pretty.  And because it reminds me of her.

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My weekend was half and half.  One part sad and empty.  One part happy and satisfying.  Saturday was one of those days when my circumstances hit me right in the center of my forehead and knocked me down.  I cried for all my losses. Which are many.

Sunday was better. We started some projects around the house. All of us worked hard.  Keeping busy helps numb my pain.  Plus it felt good to be productive.  We moved Darren's bedroom downstairs in my office and  now we are in the process of moving my office upstairs.  Pictures to come.

The one above has nothing to do with this post.  Just a cute picture of two little girls that have a special place in my heart.

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The last few days have been a struggle.  I can get through the work day but as soon as I get home I go straight to bed.  I try to sleep a little but every time I shut my eyes the dreaming begins.  Yesterday I dreamt we had bought a house and it didn't have any lights.  Or a working bathroom.  And I had to go very badly.  Then the tornado siren sounded and I couldn't find my kids.  I was then transported to medieval times and big bearded men were chasing me down cobblestone streets and of course I was wearing heels.

And on and on and on.

 Around 6 or 7pm,  I muster up the strength to shower.  I clean up and press my face against the tile and lose myself while the water pounds on my back.

Afterwards,  I get myself a big bowl of ice cream and set up an office in my bed.  My work organizer.  My computer.  My bosses IPad (she doesn't need it anymore) to watch Frasier on Netflix.
And my phone.  To play Candy Crush.  Yes,  I admit it.  I am one of  "THOSE" people.  If you don't know what Candy Crush is... good for you!  My advice is to STAY AWAY from it.

My house is a mess.  My purchases from last week are piled in the living room.  I can't see the floor on the side of my bed.

 I am behind and late and forgetful.

I can only hope that this won't last long.  If I could just produce some energy between now and say, tomorrow morning....that would be amazing.

It would really make for a good weekend.  

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Today at work I felt happy.

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When I was growing up, we had a picture like this one in our kitchen.  I loved it.  I asked the gal how much.  She said 5 dollars.  I would have paid 20.


This mirror is old and heavy.  In the next few months we are going to be shifting some rooms around. The mirror is going to go in the guest room.




And so are these.



I can't decide if this quilt will go on my bed or on the guest bed.  I was so happy to find a quilt that wasn't ripped.



I bought this blanket for $18.00
It reminds me of one my Grandma had.



This old glass wash board came from Omaha.  I had to buy it.





This strawberry reminded me of my Great Grandma's.  It's not exactly the same...but it made me happy so I bought it.



There are a few other things...some old books.  A toy cradle.  Some pictures.
I wish it was going on this weekend.  I am hooked.

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