I think this is the fifth (or is it the sixth year?) of helping my boss with Thanksgiving guests. We had a good time as always.  This trip was a little shorter then the last few.  Mainly because we didn't cook.  We ordered the entire meal from a country club.  It was fantastic!  I didn't have to cook or do as many dishes.  There was just serving and then clean up after everyone was done eating.

  Every time we go to Scottsdale we go to a restaurant called Mastros.   The food is ridiculously good.  We always get the party room with a window to the kitchen. 



This time my boss ordered lobster for us all to share....



I think that lobster is incredibly over rated.  It's tasteless and a tad rubbery.  Everyone else sang it's praises.  I just couldn't. 

Friday we went shopping.  My boss was very generous and let me go on a little shopping spree.  My co-worker wasn't with us this time but the boss still wanted to buy her stuff.  So guess who got to pick out stuff for her? 

Me.  It was stressful but fun all at once.  It's hard enough shopping for myself in three hours or less.  Let alone someone else.  But I managed to pick her out some things that I thought she would like and also some things that I thought she should wear. 

She said she liked everything.  I don't really believe her but it's nice of her to say that. 

I got a little bit of everything.  I was really looking for work jeans.  Of course I didn't find any of those.  Are all jeans these days skinny jeans?  I  can't wear those to work.  I found a skirt and a lot of blouses and sweaters.  I got a new pair of work shoes and a pair of boots.  I found a robe and a couple pairs of tights. 
Here's some of the stuff....



I also got a dress to wear to Darren's wedding! That was a huge relief.

 I have a lot of nice clothes. 
And yet....these are my absolute favorite thing to wear.


See the elastic?  Obviously  I don't wear these out of the house.  But I wear them every day that they are clean. 

Friday night we went to a Canadian Tenors concert.



 Unfortunately ...half of what they sang were Christmas songs.  The other half was beautiful.  They sang my two favorites...The Prayer and Hallejuah.  If you get a chance go to YouTube and type in Canadian Tenors and those two songs.  They are breath taking. 
I cried through each one of them.  I was sitting by one of my bosses pilots and I swear he inched away from me.  Haha. 

We left on Saturday morning. 

It was really nice to be home. 

And on a entirely different subject....I bought a recliner.  It's in my office.  I think that officially makes me a old person. 



I fought it for a long time.  But they really are the most comfortable chair.  Even if they are bulky and ugly.  I think I may get rid of the shelf.  The wedding stuff on the other side will be gone in a few weeks.  It doesn't look to bad in there.  And I tell you what....I could sleep in that chair.

 I will draw the line at putting plastic covers or towels over the arms and back. 

For now anyway. (:

Comments:

I know I know.  It's been months.  It's funny because I always thought that when I started to feel better I would blog more. 
But it's just the opposite. 
I feel fantastic.  But I think I'm just busy with life now. 
I miss blogging though.  I will try harder to show up here more often.  
So yes, I have been feeling great.  I went to a psychiatric nurse who got the medications just right.  I'm on two.  One high dose and one lose dose. 
Its the perfect cocktail. 
For now anyway. 
There are no guarentee's with depression.
You are never cured. 
But for now I am enjoying this ride as long as I can.

The last few months have been busy.  We went on a riding trip. 





My baby boy graduated to a big boy bike. 




Ok he's not a baby.  And the bike isn't a boy bike.  It's a man's bike.  But it's sort of frightening so I am going to keep calling it a big boy bike.




And in other news, my oldest is getting married!




She is a sweet girl and I love her a lot.  Apparently so does he.  (:

Planning a wedding means hours looking on Pinterest.


It's a fantastic time waster.  But also key to some great ideas.

I've also been working out.  I follow a program called PIYO.



It is the best thing I have ever done for myself. 

The videos are easy yet challenging all at the same time.  If that makes any since.  There is no cardio.  No weights. 
Anyone can do the moves. 



I have been through 60 plus days and now I am starting over. 



Piyo has been great and I plan on doing 60 more days.  However, I think I want to add something to it.  My "coach" (Micaiah Worstell!!!) recommended another BeachBody program called Body Beast.





There are other programs that sound great but most of them help you lose weight.  I don't want to lose any weight. 
I just want to be strong and firm.
So I think I will try this.

Here's a Before and After.



When Micaiah sent me the link to the sample video she said, "now don't let Sagi intimidate you."  Which was really funny because as soon as I watched it I thought, "Sagi is scary and mean and he is huge!  I don't want to be huge!" 
I am pretty sure I will not get huge beings that I will be using weenie ten pound weights.  



My therapist and medication nurse seem to think that the excersise is helping tremendously with my depression.
Maybe it is. 
Even if it's not, I am not going to quit. 

I will try and keep you posted.  And if I get brave enough I will show you some before and after photos of myself. 
Maybe.
Hopefully I will be back soon.

Comments:

I didn't realize that I hadn't blogged since May.  I'd thought I would do a brief recap.

First off, most importantly, I am feeling better.  Alot better.  It took awhile for the meds to kick in.  But when they did....it was glorious.  I think about it every day.  The way I felt for so long, it was miserable.  I understand why people end it.  Seriously I do.  It was awful waking up every morning and having to talk myself into every step I made.  Literally.  So I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is to wake up and feel like waking up.  I hope it lasts.  So far so good.  It has made the summer much more enjoyable.

So!  I went to Wyoming at the beginning of summer.  It was beautiful.  It always is.

We had our Regional Convention.




It was amazing.

And I got to spend alot of time with these kiddos.



It was a big bonus.

We went to a Collage World Series Game.


That was fun.

We celebrated 21 years!


Love that man.

Besides our Door County trip, that is pretty much it.

I really tried focusing on my health this summer. Both my therapist and doctor were urging me to exercise.  It is so important for your mental health. I was tired of feeling so lousy on the inside.  And I wanted to feel strong.




I had been doing my seven minute app.  The app takes you through seven minutes of a exercise for a specific body part.  I was doing arms and abs.

 I hated it.  It was only fourteen minutes of my day and I dreaded it.

I needed to find something else.  First I just sort of did my own routine.  But that was super boring.  Then I came across Piyo.  Ever heard of it?  It's a cross between yoga and pilates.  It's all low impact and NO CARDIO.  I hate cardio.  But that doesn't mean I don't sweat.  In fact after every workout I am dripping.  I started it on August 1st.  And guess what?  I love it.  I look forward to it.  It's six days a week with one rest day and between 40 and 20 minutes long.

The program suggests that you take before pictures, then some after thirty days and then again after sixty.  I am nervous for my thirty day pictures.  I feel like I am going to be disappointed if I see no change.  My goal isn't to lose weight.  I want muscles!

Of course Jaime has warned me about some things.  She knows I have severe body issues.  And whatever goal I reach....it usually isn't enough.  So we talked about some ways that I can keep this from getting  out of control .  One of which is that i never weigh myself.  So far so good! And I promised that I will let myself be happy when I reach my first goal.  And that is to be able to do a push-up (the manly kind) with just inches from my nose to the floor.  It probably sounds like a pathetic goal but I have absolutely no upper body strength.

But guess what?  I am getting close.

Maybe I'll be brave enough to post the before and after pictures.  We will see.

Comments:

It's been so long since I've blogged that I almost forgot how. 
I have a lot to say but lets start with our summer vacation.  We went to Door County, Wisconsin.  It's a peninsula that juts into Lake Michigan. 
It was very pretty.  The weather was perfect.  We camped at a really nice, clean campground.



We spent most afternoons at the beach.






We toured a lighthouse.


We climbed to the top. 



Which terrified me because I am scared of heights.  But I did it!

Besides cheese, Wisconsin is also known for cherries.





The best part was spending time together.









It was a nice, relaxing vacation. 
But its always good to get back home. 

Comments:

First of all,

Ma, I have no idea what that plant is called.  It's some sort of lilly.  And look!  It bloomed!   I have no idea if it will keep blooming or if it's a one time thing.

That probably doesn't answer your question.





The place where I work just got a load of cows.  I think I could watch them for hours.  They are so curious and gentle.  But also scaredy-cats.  And if one starts to run off, they all do.  I like their sounds and even the smell doesn't bother me to much.


Some friends of ours just got chickens. They live in the city so all the neighbors have to sign off on it.
One neighbor is being a stinker about it.  They are so adorable right now. And our friends are getting really attached to them.  The all have names.  So I really hope they get to keep them.

So much for the random stuff.  This post is actually about how busy I am going to be the next two weeks.  I am leaving for Jackson, Wyoming on Thursday and coming back Saturday.  At least I think it's Saturday.  It could be Sunday.  I guess I better find out.  It's a working trip.  In fact I expect to be running my tail off practically the whole time.

Then the following week is the convention.  We leave on Thursday.

That is going to take alot of preparation.

I'm not ready for either trips.

I'm still not at my full potential.  I am better.  That is for sure.  But I am so scatter brain right now.  And the increase dosage of Welbutrin is making me shake. Bascially just my hands.   I hope that stops soon.  It's not annoying or anything.  It's just sort of embarrassing.

I start to decrease my Viibryd next Sunday and I have no idea how I will react to that.  Hopefully I'll just have heart palpitations like I usually do when I go off meds.  Feels funny and is bit scary but I can deal with that.  Physical side effects I can handle.

It's the mental part that may be tough.

Or maybe not.  Maybe I will have a smooth transition and I'll continue to be on the upswing.

I hope.  I'm going to be to busy not too.

Comments:

On Friday I met with a nurse practitioner named Maggie.  Before I saw her I had to fill out a load of paper work.  Pages and pages of  "always, sometimes, not very often or never".  I felt like I was in school.

When filling out mental health forms I am always proud of myself that I can say "never" to questions like...

"Do you pick fights?"

"Do you steal things?"

"Do you see people who aren't really there?"

I always think, "See?  I'm not so bad off after all."

But then there are other questions.  Questions that I would rather not be truthful about.  Because they make me sad.   But I mark my answers the best that I can.

Maggie called me into her office.  She had a sweet face and a warm voice.  She looked younger then me.  By alot.

But that didn't matter.  She really knew her stuff.

She told me to start from the beginning.  In a nutshell.

Oh boy.

So I go through my whole story.  Of course I end up crying and she promptly hands me the Kleenex box.  I bet she has a whole cabinet full of them.

She is typing furiously as I'm talking.

After about 45 minutes she reaches the verdict.

The Viibryd isn't working.  She  increased my Wellbutrin dosage because I seem to be feeling better with that. Once my body is used to the higher dosage (around two weeks) then I will cut my Viibryd  in half.  I do that for two weeks then go in to see her.  Then she will prescribe me Zoloft.

The only bad part is that going off of Viibryd even slowly can cause withdrawal symptoms.  Meanwhile I'll be starting a new drug that may have side effects.  She warned me that I may feel worse before I feel better.

I can handle that as long as I'm prepared for it.

We did talk about ECT.  She said that it is extremely affective and the results are immediate.
But I haven't exhausted all the medications so I'm not at the end of the road yet.

She wrapped up things with me and gave me her card.  And another card with a suicide hotline number on it.

That made me shudder a bit.

But I guess look at where I'm at.

So that is that.

I am hopeful.

Meanwhile, I have a little more energy.  I planted some flowers this weekend.



I went through all my summer clothes and shoes.




There is no way I could have done this even a few weeks ago.

So that is progress.  I'm not all the way there yet.  But I feel like I can breathe a little easier.

Comments:

I'm feeling a little better.  A week ago Sunday I woke up and felt a tad lighter.  Last week I didn't have to talk myself out of calling in sick to work.  I ran some errands and didn't force myself in and out of the truck.  I caught up on a few things at home.  I smiled and laughed.  I lingered a little at meeting instead of bolting for the door as soon as they said Amen.

Every day isn't a good one though.  On Thursday I slept until 11.  I went to the butcher to pick up a quarter of a cow that we bought.  I came home and went back to bed.  I slept until 2:30.  I picked up Micah from school.  And came home and went to bed until 5:00.  Then proceeded to sleep the whole night through.

I was dragging on Friday.

But then Saturday and Sunday were fairly good days.

Today was better then most I've had in months.

 It comes in waves.  I will be feeling light and airy one hour and the next I want to hide and never see anyone again ever.  My mind races from I'm a horrible rotten person to I have some good stuff inside of me.

So I guess that is progress.  Because at least there are some positive feelings during the day.  And I tell you what, it has been so long since I felt normal that when I feel good it is almost euphoric. Even if it's only for a hour.   It's like  a high.  I want to hurry and get things done and enjoy every single second.  I want to soak in that good feeling into my bones.  I wish I could store it up and use it sparingly.  Spread it out a little.  Conserve it for the days that I'm really busy and need the energy.

I cannot even imagine feeling good everyday, all day.  Would I take it for granted after awhile?  I don't think so.

Try me.  Please.  

I'm keeping my appointment with the nurse at the psychiatric office.  I still think my meds need tweaking.

So I am hanging on.  Hoping for more good days then bad.  I pray every night that the next morning I'll feel OK.  That maybe this will last for awhile.

I am holding my breath.

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I absolutely hate talking on the phone.  So I have procrastinated six days to make a appointment with the psychiatrist.
I finally called today.
I was transferred four times. I  teared up every time I repeated what I was calling for and finally someone told me that the doctor I was referred to is no longer accepting new patients.

Of course!

I asked....what am I supposed to do then?

The gal said that if I wanted to see another psychiatrist the soonest she could book a appointment was June.

Really?  How is that even possible.  There are people out there with much more serious problems then me....how in the world can you tell a mental patient that they can't get help for another month or so?

I said, that's not going to work.

She said she can get me in to see the nurse practitioner sooner.

Yes please.

All I'm really needing is someone to manage my medication.

I already have a therapist.

So hopefully this nurse will be able to help me.

Because so far...nothing seems to be working.

My appointment is May 16th.

With every appointment I make I tell myself.....I just have to hang on until then!

But nothing ever changes.

I can't tell you how discouraging that is.

This month was my birthday month.  A few stores sent me ten dollar gift cards.

I didn't have the energy or desire to go buy anything.

What a waste.

The above flowers did bring a smile to my face.  I half- heartedly planted them a few months ago thinking, there is no way these will ever come up.

I couldn't believe it when I saw them!  They are so pretty! The colors remind me of cream cheese mints.

I know someone who has a box at the Century Link Center.  I got free tickets to Rascal Flatts.



They were really good and I knew all the songs.
It was nice being with the family.


But the whole time I was thinking, I should be enjoying this more.  I just want to have a good time when there are good times to be had.

I pray every night....please let this lift from me.

One day it will.

It has to.

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