I love Scooters.  And not just any Scooters.  One in particular.  It's very close to my house.  The girls are sweet and they know exactly what I want.

"Large green tea blender with mango and a chocolate muffin not warmed?"

"That's it!"

"That will be $22.50."

Not really.  But still.  It's not cheap.  It's a splurge that I do about once a week.  Ok...sometimes two.
I like coming here because I'm alone but I'm not alone.  It just feels safe.  And I like the chatter of the baristas.  The grind of coffee.  The...

"Thank you for choosing Scooters!  Order when your readeeee!"

I have a spot too.  A tiny round table in the corner by the window.  Not much of a  view but still nice.




I blog here.  I meal plan here.  I journal here. The time goes really fast.  I can easily spend two or three hours here.

I don't mind if someone comes with me.  But I don't want to talk.  If my husband had a laptop...I think he would come more often.  Micah joined me in the summer.  He would put his headphones on and watch Friday Night Lights on his phone.

But I like to come by myself too.
It's something I do for myself.  I always feel refreshed and my mind a little clearer when I walk out the door.

And $8.50 poorer.

 

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The last couple months my depression has gotten so much better.  It has been about a month since I have felt the weight of exhaustion when I'm not physically tired.  When all I could think about was sleeping as soon as I got home.  Or since I have dragged my body through every task and felt no enjoyment in doing anything.

It's been great.  I have alot of energy and I enjoy doing things.

However....my anxiety is sky high.  I am jumpy and antsy.  My mind races over the most trivial things and I am trying to solve problems that don't have answers.  I scare easily.  A sudden noise or movement can send my heart thumping hard.  I am starting to get scared of things that may or may not even happen. Something as serious as falling down the stairs to as simple as a book sliding off the table.

I talked to Jaime about this today.  Its a bummer to feel so good one on hand and on the other... so unsettled in my mind.

It's very uncomfortable.

She reminded me of an experience I had a month or two ago.
 I saw two riders crash.
 Right in front of me.
 One was my son.
 It was terrifying. Even though they were not injured...it was traumatic.
She said I may be going through PTSD.
I told her I hardly think about it anymore.  I don't see it in my mind like I did the weeks following the crash.
And what does that have to do with worrying about how many tomatoes I will need to make 10 quarts of sauce?
That's what my mind was rolling over for a good 20 minutes last night preventing me from sleeping.
Nonsense.
She said that may be something else.
But the jumpiness,  my heart pounding could be systems of PTSD.
So I said...now what?
She said it usually takes a good two or three months for your brain to return to a "normal" state after experiencing a traumatic situation.
Until then she gave me some coping techniques.
And as far as my mind racing...she is holding off on adding another medication just yet.  Because my mind is feeling better and less full of doom and gloom, I may be subconsciously  filling my mind with menial problems. Because deep down I want to solve things and make everything better and when I don't have anything to "fix" I feel uncomfortable.
I don't buy it.
I feel uncomfortable NOW.
I don't want to fix anything.
But I'll wait.  She gave me some suggestions on how to calm my mind a bit.   Remember to breathe deep and not just at night.  She also told me to suck on peppermints.
She said they help clear the mind sometimes.
I wish it would have been chocolate.
Although if that was the case my mental health wouldn't not even be a issue.  I would be as happy as a boy on a dirt bike.  

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My job feels like a roller coaster these days.  The weekend was terrible. But then yesterday the boss started feeling better.
And today she feels better still.
I have been preparing myself for a down hill slope for so long that it's hard for my mind to switch gears.
She's eating better.  She's sleeping less during the day.
I am so happy for her.  
But it's hard too.  Because I know she is never going to get better.  She will never beat this thing.  But days like today....make me believe that she will.
Even though tomorrow...could be terrible.  
I wish I could put more details on here about my work.  About my boss.  But I just can't for privacy reasons.
There are some heartbreaking moments.
There are times that are so funny that I can't believe she just said what she did.
There are times when I am doing something for her and I think....I never thought I'd be doing this.
There are times when I think....I can't do this anymore.  It's all just to much.
There are days that I don't want to go home.  Because her home feels like my home.  
There are moments when my stomach drops...like the feeling you get when you are flying downhill on a roller coaster.
There are moments when I want off the ride.
And other days...I hope it lasts forever.

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That's what my husband said when he brought this mess in from the garage.
I said, " I think its ridiculous that they are in that tiny tote."
He said, "They fit in there when they are wrapped up."
I said, "I don't believe it."


There are 20 of them.

Today he told me that he was at Lowe's and bought some work supplies and then realized that he didn't have any ratchet straps in his truck.

So he had to go back inside and buy four.

Now THAT is ridiculous.

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I went into work for a few hours this morning.  When I came home...I cooked like the  mad woman I am.


A workmate has a garden and gave me a load of tomatoes.  So I made spaghetti sauce.  And while I was at it...I made meatballs too.


They don't look very appetizing...but they were pretty good.
Food photography is tough.  Everything looks gross.  Especially meat.

These are not weeds.


Basil.  Flat leaf parsley.  Oregano.

Dinner is served!



I thought the sauce was delicious.  But I'm pretty sure the boys couldn't tell the difference between homemade and the stuff in a jar.

I had some rotten bananas so I made banana bread.


I like a crunchy top so I added walnuts and a brown sugar/cinnamon topping.


Half of it is already gone.

I also made enchiladas.  But they don't photograph well.

I had my sous chef helping me.


She is supposed to be on the rug behind her.

I'm glad I had the energy to do this today.  I really enjoy it. The only problem is...by the time I'm done tasting and smelling everything...I'm sick of it.
But at least my family got a good supper and we will have the enchiladas tomorrow.  And I am my mothers daughter so I made a double batch of everything and froze it.
Go big or go home.

Hopefully this energy will last through tomorrow.  I have to go into work again for a bit and then I have about 14 loads of laundry to fold.  If it lasts through the week...I would be so thankful.  If not...at least I have dinner for tomorrow.

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My bike was used last weekend.
But not by me.
My husband tried it out first.



It's very easy to ride.
Apparently.
He rode it over to a field.  I followed on my quad.

Then it was my turn.  I just sat on it for awhile.  Rocked it sideways.  Getting used to the weight of it.  Then it was time to go.
It has a clutch.  Same as a manual car....you rev the gas and slowing let go of the clutch and then you take off.
I did it.
  I went a few feet and then stopped and turned it off.  I started it again.  Took off.  When I slowed down to stop...I didn't put my foot out far enough and the bike tipped on me.  It didn't hurt.  And I wasn't scared.

But...

I hated it.
  
I felt sick to my stomach the whole time.  I can't even pinpoint why.  But I think what I didn't like was the what ifs.  What if I couldn't stop it?  What if I killed it?  What if I tipped it over? I hated not knowing exactly when I was going to take off.   I think a part of me dumped it on purpose because in my mind...I figured it was going to happen anyway and this way I had control over when it was going to happen.

I know.  That is crazy.  But I think it's true.
Because that's the only part that I could really control.
Falling off.


We went back to camp and Micah wanted to try it.


Its to big for him.  And a little different then his bike.  His dad gave him some quick instructions.  And then he was off.


He did great.
I was so jealous.  He made it look so easy.  But I have to remember that he has been riding for about two years now.
And I have been riding for five seconds.



See mom?  Easy peasy.

Can we just take a look at all that gear for a second?  He was just tootling around our campsite and he has full gear on.  Always.
Boots, helmet, goggles (pink!), chest protector, neck protector and gloves.
I know he could still get hurt.  But we do all we can to ride safe.
Always.

I will get on my bike again.
 
I'm just not sure when.
 
Part of it is that right now...my anxiety is through the roof.  I am terribly jumpy, skittish and unsettled.  I talked to Jaime about it.  She suggested adding another med.
I really don't want too....but if it will relax me a bit...I think it might be good.
Because these days...it doesn't take alot to get my heart palpitating.  A unexpected noise.  Or movement.  I keep expecting something bad to happen.  A car to cross over the line.  Falling down our stairs.  Something to fall out of the cupboard when I open it.
Not a fun way to go through the day.

So.  Maybe when I get a little more settled...I will try the bike again.
And not expect the worst.  And not be so scared.
And love it.

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I call the above picture "Carnage."  It has nothing to do with this post.

I had the day off today and for old times sake I started off at Scooters and ordered a Green Tea Mango Smoothie.  I took a picture of it but it looked disgusting.  I even tried taking a picture of me holding it.
Still looked gross.
After that I headed to Walmart for some stuff.  While there I got the call to come into work for a bit.  Which was fine.  I had already had three phone calls and to many texts to count that morning regarding work.  It's almost easier if I just go in.
The afternoon went ok actually.  The bosses Doctor stopped by for a visit.  She had some encouraging words for all of us and made a few suggestions.
I may have some time to blog tomorrow.  It not...possibly this weekend.  I am going into work for sure on Saturday.  Sunday is iffy at this point.
I'll do what I can.

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My boss is exhausted.  And it's no wonder.  Her body is fighting so hard to live.  It is failing but it doesn't want to give up either.   Her mind is working hard too.  It is planning and caring and sorting things out.  She is weak and has no interest in eating.

And so she sleeps.

I take advantage of the moments she is awake.  We take care of business.  Phone calls, emails, bills, the mail.  I talk quietly and she says I have a soothing voice.  It's all I want to do ....soothe her. Make her feel better.  More comfortable.  I want to help her with this process somehow.  But I know I can only do so much.

She is the one who is working hard.  Using every ounce of energy she has to stay with us.  Some days I am grateful she is fighting so hard.  Other days....I want her to just let go.

She has worked hard long enough.

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more later...

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Did you know that McDonald's has FANCY ketchup?
Am I the last to know this?
And yes...that is a Big Mac behind that package.
I ate two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame seed-bun.

I will be blogging about our camping trip soon.  There are two pictures in the 365 link.  Also a really cute picture of my girl Ginger.  Well...I think she is cute.  The boys always make fun of the way she looks in pictures.

Go check it out and see for yourself.

I'm tired.  It's hard when your away all weekend and then BOOM!  It's Monday.  Today was a tough day at work.  The boss was really weak today and sick to her stomach.  She ate hardly anything.

When I got home I saw this....


It made my tired eyes smile.

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We got home a little later then usual today.  So I am beat.  I'll write a longer post later after I edit some pictures.  Everyone had a great time.  The weather was beautiful and no one crashed!  I rode my bike twice.  But only for about 30 seconds each time.  Talk about easing in slowly!  More on that later.  
For now...it's sleepy time. Nighty Night.  

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That pretty red truck is mine. 



And that pretty blue bike is mine too. 

 I'm officially a Yama Mama.  
It's a Yamaha TTR230.  It's a trail bike....not made for jumping.  Or high speeds.  Or crashing.  Or inflicting injuries of any kind.  

See?  Completely safe!  

Unless I dump it. 

Which I will.  But I will be going at a slooooooow speed.  Which will probably be why I dump it.  I still have the quad.  We are not going to get rid of it yet.  We are going to see if I like the bike better. The quad really beats me up.  And it's heavy.  As in 500 pounds.  If I ever roll it and it lands on me...I better have someone close to pull it off.  If I wipe out on the bike...I can tip it up.  I've already tried it.  


I've got to get some graphics on that thing!  It looks so naked.  
I rode Micah's dirt bike in our back yard two nights ago.  The boys didn't think I would be able to figure out the clutch.  
That was easy.  
It was the turning part that got me.  
I dumped it.  
No worries though...I was only going about 2 mph. 

I haven't ridden this bike yet.  Its alot heavier then Micah's.  
Crashing is going to get old real quick. 

This weekend we are going to Bluff Creek.  I'm hoping to get some practice time in the wide open fields.  



Not in a skirt though. 

I promise I'll be careful.  

I have a feeling my mom is going to kill my husband.  

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There used to be a dining room table here.

We moved it downstairs.

We don't have another one yet.



But we will.

My husband is going to make one.  I have always wanted a dining room table that looked old.  He is going to use planks.  Distress them.  Stain them. Sand them.  Seal them.

It will be new.  But will look old.

The two chairs we bought from our neighbor?  They are going to sit at the table.  Along with four others that I haven't found yet.

I want them all to be different.

Is that weird?

Maybe.

We took the old table out of the dining room for motivation to get started on the new one.
But I kind of like the openess right now.  So there is no rush.  Besides....it will probably take me awhile to find my dining room chairs.

One by one.

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It was the first day of school today.  My husband took this without Micah knowing.  Otherwise...it would be very uncool.
He did really well today.  I asked what kind of things he did.  He said  "we played alot of boring 'get to know your classmate' games".

He had to say two things about himself.
He said, "I like big trucks and dirt bikes."
We were so proud.
And I'm not joking.

And no...he's not carrying a briefcase.  All the kids were given a binder with a handle that they are required to use.

In other news.... my boss wanted to go out today.  Three of us took her to the mall.  On the way there me and my co-worker wrote each other notes.

I love this one.


You may not understand this.

The last few years I only saw her about once a week.

Now I see her almost every day.  It takes two of us to make the day go smoothly.  We both are valuable.  But in different ways.  My boss needs us both.
We have had some really really bad days.  We also have had some good times.  Some days, even on the bad ones, we laugh so hard we almost pee our pants.
Some day's we want to cry but hold it together and give each other a hug before we leave.
Some days she has to tell me something and says, "Your either going to laugh or cry."
I usually laugh.  Like when she broke the turkey baster.
The days right now....they are really really hard.
She makes them better.

The boss was really tired and quiet today.  But I think she enjoyed getting out.
I know I did.  

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One night I walked out of my bedroom and found this....





It made me happy.  

I used to love this game as a kid.  Even though I almost always lost.  




Darren is about to draw his career.  How I wish it was that easy.  I know he does too. 




Micah drew this card.


Very appropriate.  

Even if it doesn't pay well.





It wasn't long before Darren had kids.  Twins!



And it seemed like the very next turn he adopted two more...


I know this seems crazy but I felt so happy and proud when I looked at that full little car.  

It's going to happen someday.  He will have kids.  And I will be a Grandma.  Hopefully later then sooner.  But it made me happy thinking about it.  

At the end...they counted their dough. 



It seemed like alot...but Micah lost.  

He didn't mind.  He had fun.  

I was grateful I was there to watch them play.  To watch their pretend lives unfold.  





I am grateful I am here. 

To watch their real lives unfold.   

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