When you go to bed at 11 and you start to fall asleep but you begin to dream. And the dreams aren't "normal" dreams.  They are nightmares. 

First you are on a roller coaster and you have a baby with you and the safety buckles are to loose on him and you are trying to hold him in but he is slipping because you are going down a hill so steep that you can't see the end of it.  And you are loosing your hold on him and he starts to fall and you are trying so hard to scream but no sound will come out and then you jerk awake. 

Maybe the dreams will go away. 

You shut your eyes again and you are in a different dream.  You are in a day care for adults but the tables and chairs are still little and they are serving you tomato soup in yellow cups and everyone starts to clap because you all love the yellow cups!  And then your chair starts to tip and you don't notice before but there is a black hole behind you and your chair is tipping and you can't grab anything to keep you from falling and there you go.....

So you wake up and try to hold still so you don't wake your husband but you know he is already awake because you can't stop jerking and shaking. 

So you try one more time.  But now you are on a roof.  And you see two men.  One has a black bag over his head and is opening and closing a door that is so loud that your ears are hurting and you try to put your hands up to cover them but they are glued to your sides but wait....wasn't there two men?  Where is the other one?  And you feel someones breath on your neck and they are saying "don't move".  And you try to hold still and you see your husband and he is saying "don't speak they are robbing us.  Hold still".  And you are scared to wake up because you think the dream is real and there are robbers in your dark bedroom. 

You pry your eyes open and your heart is pounding so hard you think the bed is thumping along with it. 

You turn on the light and you say, "I'm so sorry I'm keeping you awake."

And your husband says, "It's OK.  It's OK.  It's OK.  Let's talk about  good things.  Happy things.  Non scary things."

So you talk about the kids and how good and sweet they are.  And you talk about his dad and how funny he is. 

You think, maybe i  forgot to take my medication and that's why the dreams are so bad.  So you pop a pill and hope that the dreams will stop. Or maybe it's the medication that is causing you to dream in the first place. And now you have just taken another dose.

Your husband starts to read the newspaper because he's awake so why not and you try to do a logic puzzle.  You know the ones?  Where they give you four clues and you have to figure out who is related to who or who ate what on what day or something like that. 



But then your mind is elsewhere and you say, "Did I put dinner away?  Is it still on the counter?  It's Micah's favorite and he wanted it for lunch tomorrow...or actually today"

He says, "I'll go check."

And you say, "Thank you and while you are in there can you bring me a yogurt because suddenly I am so hungry."

And he says, "Sure."




So he brings it to you and you really want him to shut your closet door because it's open and you are scared but you don't say anything because you are not five anymore and you already feel stupid for waking up from nightmares so you don't say anything.  You eat your yogurt like a good girl and you take a picture of the clock because it's just so absurd that you are eating yogurt at 2:56 am and your husband is reading the paper and you are doing a puzzle. 

But the puzzle isn't turning out so well because you are so tired and all the names and foods start to look the same and you tell yourself that you are so stupid you can't even figure out a stupid puzzle but you don't remember that you haven't slept yet.  So you cross it out and throw the book on the floor. 




You turn the light off and you look at the clock. 




You try to take a picture of something else but it's so dark and the only thing that the phone will take a picture of is the clock.



And you lay there.  Scared to close your eyes.  But to tired to keep them open.

And you pray.

Please please, calm my mind.  Help me not dream.  Help me stay calm.  Help me not jerk awake.  Help me not grind my teeth. Help me sleep.  Help me.  Help me.

 There are so many "Help me's"  that you feel guilty so you say some "thank you's".

Thank you for my husband who keeps me safe.  Thank you for my family. Thank you for giving me another chance.  Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you thank you thank you.

Around five you start to drift.  Finally.  And it's deep and it's good and it's peaceful. 

Thank you thank you thank you.

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