"The longing to leave..... brings out something that isn’t much discussed in descriptions of depression. It is the active face of the illness. We often focus on the passive symptoms, the inactivity, the isolation, sense of worthlessness, disruption of focused thought, lack of will to do anything. But paradoxically the inner loss and need can drive depressed people to frenzied action to fill the great emptiness in the center of their lives. They may long to replace that inadequate self with an imagined new one that makes up for every loss".

I will tell you....when I read this....I was trembling.  I wanted to cry with relief that this was a symptom of my depression and not how I really felt in my heart.  Of course I fall into the typical category of feeling the passive symptoms too.  But the "frenzied action" he describes....isn't quite as common.

"My experience with this phase of illness occurred when I had only limited awareness of the hold depression had on me. That may be a key to understanding the dynamic and how to respond to someone in the grip of this drive to turn life upside down. Unhappy without knowing why, I had to find an explanation, and the easiest way to do that was to look outward. I could only see my present life, my wife, my work as holding me back, frustrating my deepest desires. In effect, I was blaming everyone but me for my misery. In that state, I could only focus on the promise of leaving, finding a new mate, new work, new everything.

.... I knew so clearly that I was not the problem, certainly not sick but for the first time on the verge of escaping into the exciting life I should have been living all along".

Blame, blame, blame.  I pointed at everyone else as the source of all my problems. I was as he said...."Unhappy and not knowing why." One of the most frustrating symptoms of this illness.


"There is something very close to the power of addiction in the fantasy of escape. I found it almost impossible to see through the dreams of a new life. It meant so much – my survival as a person seemed to be at stake. Unaware of the full effect of depression, blocking out what my wife and others were trying to tell me, I inflicted a lot of pain on my family, thinking that I had to be brutally honest in order to save myself."


He goes on to talk about the devastating impact that living with and loving a depressed person can cause to a family and friends.  And how it is not there fault that the depressed person feels the way they do. 


I thought that the  advice below was helpful too. Because so many people think that if a depressed person is surrounded by people they love it will be OK.  Although it is reassuring that they are cared for....it is not a remedy.

And remember that you can’t cure someone else with your words and love. They only backfire. At most, you can help your partner gradually gain awareness. It will take the combined influence of you and many others to get a depressed person to start seeing a different explanation for what’s wrong. Only your partner can do the heavy lifting. Only your partner can experience the inner change of thought and feeling that comes with the recognition that there is an illness to be dealt with.

I have done some heavy lifting.  However....I  have a amazing partner who helps carry some of my weight if I can't bear another step.  

I will say here that being depressed is certainly not a license to ruin lives.  My own or anyone elses.  You can't say..

."Hey!  I robbed a liqueur store but I have depression so sue me!"

There are consequences.  Even the insane have to bear the weight of there actions.  If they kill some one or commit a crime....they have to be locked up.   

Sometimes in a depressed state we make grave, stupid mistakes. 

Our depression may be the reason why but it's not a excuse. 

We still have to pay.  And try to make things right. 

I have a long ways to go.

 I still fight the urge to bolt every so often. It's not as strong as it used to be.

But it's still there. It may always be there.  But I am fighting.  I'm getting stronger. I'm quieting my mind when it rages into "bolting" mode. It's not as easy as shutting my eyes and waiting for the curtain to come up.

 It's really really hard.

 It's hard to let something go that has been with you for 30 some years. But like cigarettes, it's a bad craving.  Bad for my health and well being.  Bad for my family.

Bad for my heart. 

And naturally this isn't my only issue.  But I just take one day at a time.  I have too.  And I try really hard not to look back.  But....that is....almost impossible not to do. 

I guess it's time to wrap this post up.  Sorry it's so long winded. If you have read this far....Way to Go!  You are to be commended!  Thank you for sticking with me.

Tomorrow I will have something light and fluffy for you.  I promise. 

Here is the link to the quotes.  This is the home page.  You will have to search for the article "The Longing to Leave" if your interested.  http://www.storiedmind.com/ 

Comments: