No no. Not that kind.
Not that kind either.
I'll explain in a bit. I just have to write this out first OK? It's been keeping me up at night for awhile. I'm afraid this may be long. And sort of like a roller coaster and you will be saying, "And her point is??????"
And at times I may be saying, "And my point is??????"
But hopefully I'll be able to come back around and wrap things up nicely and tie it all up with a neat little bow because that is exactly how life is.
HA.
Here are a few pieces of trivia about me.
1) Remember a long time ago when you went to see a movie and the screen had a curtain covering it? And then when the movie started the curtain slowly parted and rose to the top?
I hated that moment.
I hated it so much that I would shut my eyes and ask whoever I was with to tell me when it was over so that I could open my eyes when the curtain was all the way up. I hoped and prayed that if I was with friends, that they wouldn't make fun of me. I remember waiting in the bathroom till after the movie started when I was with some new people Because how would I explain it without looking.....crazy?
I hated it so much that it made me sick to my stomach with anticipation. It almost made me never want to see a movie for the rest of my life. Thankfully they don't have those curtains anymore.
2) When I was in Alaska we traveled by boat to a huge glacier. We went round and round several bends. I hated each one. Because I never knew when we rounded the corner if the glacier would be there or not. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to close my eyes. I didn't want to see it. When it finally did, instead of relief, I felt weak i the knees.
3) In South Dakota, on the trails, sometimes you would go up a hill and not see what was on the other side until you were at the top. I had a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach the whole time. I hated not knowing if it was flat or a downward slope after I reached the top. As I rounded each corner i felt so much dread. I kept thinking....please get me off this trail. I need a flat, wide road with a horizon that I can see.
4) I hate suspenseful movies. National Treasure? Probably not on your top list of very suspenseful movies.
I walked out of the theater three times because I was scared.
It's a family film.
For kids.
By DISNEY!
You can only imagine what a truly scary movie would do to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See the common thread?
I asked Jamie my therapist about all this. I told her about my theater curtain phobia. I also told her about the first time I was in Jackson Hole, Wyoming with my boss. We arrived when it was dark. We were driving to their residence and I asked,
"Where are the mountains? I thought there were mountains here?"
She said, "There are. They are right out your window. You just can't see them because there are no street lights".
I thought I would throw up right there in the rented Escalade. I couldn't bring myself to peer out the windows. When we got to the lodge I kept my head down so that those mountains wouldn't close in on me.
I ask Jamie, "Why am I such a freak? Am I scared of big things? Mountains, giant curtains, Glaciers? What? Is there a phobia name for that? More importantly is there a pill to fix me?"
To which she calmly said,
"You are not a freak."
"Your paid to say that"
"Amy, its not the mountains or the curtains that you are afraid of. Its you not being in control. You can't control when you see them. When it starts. It makes you incredibly nervous when things are unseen, unsure, uncomfortable."
Maybe. I don't know. It sort of made since.
Except.
Except.
Except there is this other thing.
I crave the unknown.
I crave the feeling of free falling and waiting for someone to catch me.
I crave running away.
One of the reasons (a big one) that I am seeing a therapist is because I'm a runner. Not in a athletic way. I have wanted to run from my life ever since I was a little girl. I remember sitting in the back seat of my parents car and grasping the car handle. I wanted to jump out and get into the car next to us.
I didn't care who it was. I wanted out of my life. I wanted to be someone else. I would dream about it. A whole movie in my head from start to finish. I wanted a new house, a new family and a new life. A place where I would be happy.
It made me happy just dreaming about it.
Keep in mind I had a great childhood. Wonderful parents. A brother and a sister. We had everything we needed and had great times. I knew I would be leaving them. Possibly never seeing them again. But for some reason, I had no fears. My eyes felt wide open.
As I got older I kept dreaming. Only my load got heavier and heavier with grown up responsibilities so my dreaming became more desperate. I would drive home from work and dream of passing my driveway and just keep going. Maybe stopping in a small town. Starting over. I would dream of going to truck stops, tapping on a semi's window and ask if I could ride along. When I flew home from a trip I would dream of missing my flight and never coming back. These dreams didn't make me nervous or uncomfortable. They didn't make me sick to my stomach wondering what in the world I would do if I acted out my plan. I was ready to jump off a cliff. I felt euphoric, bursting with happiness when I fantasized about a new life. I craved the feeling I had when I thought about a new life. I felt high. Drunk on the possibly of starting over. I wanted to bolt so badly it hurt.
I kept thinking....i have to do this so I can save myself. Save my family from the heartache that they have from living with me (which wasn't real). I wanted to run and never look back. My loved ones slowly started to disappear and I was desperate to fill that space with something else. Something just around the corner. If I left maybe I would find it.
So the question is WHY. On one hand I am so scared of the unknown. Like the four mentioned above. These fears do not hurt anyone and quite frankly are sort of silly. On the other hand I crave the unknown so much I would be willing to hurt myself and others.
It doesn't make any since.
I really wanted it to make since. I needed it too.
Back to Jamie. She knows all about my cravings for a different life. Mainly the "high" I get from thinking about it. That and my crippling low self esteem. Which can be tied in with alot of my issues.
I told her I didn't want to be that person. I begged her to tell me that I WASN'T really that person. A runner.
I cried and asked "I do want to stay. Don't I?"
I begged her, "Please please tell me what to do to be happy. I'll do anything. I want to love this life. Please help me to love this life."
I have been researching articles online about depression. Why depressed people do the things they do. I know some things don't have a reason but I have such a hard time accepting that. I found a brilliant piece of writing. I almost cried when I read it. It doesn't actually give a specific reason why I want to run. Or a fix all. But it reassured me that I wasn't alone in feeling this way. That I am not a bad person. That I can be saved from myself.
I'll share it with you tomorrow.
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