One of my biggest fears about going on vacation was leaving my boss.  I was so scared that something would happen while I was gone. 

It didn't. 

But she's not ok. 

She's not ok at all.

And the last few days have been really really scary.  And heartbreaking. 

I can't post details here because I want to respect her privacy. 

But she is losing everything. 

I've been saving little notes that she writes.  Instructions for me.  Grocery lists.  Prescription numbers.  I want to remember her handwriting. 

She gave me a sweater the other day.  Told me to throw it away.  It smelled like her.  I put it in a bag when I got home.  I want to keep her scent with me forever. 


I wish I would have written down all that I have learned from her over the years.  The funny things she said that made me laugh.  The big things.  The little things. 

Every morning for the past 14 years she has set a coffee cup out for me.  I wasn't a coffee drinker.  But I am now.  Just at work.  When she sets out my cup. 

When she's gone...will I still drink coffee?  Will it hurt everytime I get a cup out?

She tells me everyday that she loves me.  That I mean so much to her.  That she appreciates all I do.  That I am her life. 

I tell her that she is mine.   That I would do anything for her.  That I love her. 

It's coming.  I know it's coming. 

I'm afraid.

 I'm afraid that she will suffer for weeks or months. 

I'm afraid that she will leave me tomorrow. 

I'm afraid I won't be there when it happens.

I'm afraid I will be there when it happens. 

Everyday I force myself to go home.  I want to stay with her.  Make her as comfortable as I possibly can.  But there is only so much I can do. 

I can't save her. 

She's leaving. 

And I am already missing her. 

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