The past few days I have been spiraling downward.  So much so that on Thursday I spent the entire day in bed, sleeping on and off.  I know I'm depressed when I can sleep all through the night, on and off the next day and then the whole night through again. 
I also know it when the simple task of brushing my teeth feels like to much effort so I just skip it. 
And when going downstairs to look for some shorts feels so enormous that my husband has to do it for me. 
Despite all that I pulled myself together and went to work today.  I'm on auto pilot at work on the days that I don't feel good.  Only it's a bit different now that things are changing at work.  So I pump myself full of caffeine and chocolate to get through the day and then crash when I get home.  As in change into pajamas and get into bed the minute I walk through the door. 

Except for today I had a appointment to get my hair done.  No worries though.
My hairdresser has seen all of my moods.  I have cried so many times in her chair.  I have sat there emotionless and dug for words to say.  I have chatted her ear off and laughed at inappropriate jokes.

Today we talked about dying.  I asked if she had ever watched someone die. 
She has. 
So we compared stories.

I can only imagine what she says about me when I leave. 
I really don't care though. 
She's a great person and I know that she is a little nuts herself and gets where I am coming from. 

I'm tired of my 365 project.  When I'm feeling good it's OK.  But when I'm not...I hate it.  The voice in my head sounds like this...

"Why do you keep this up!  You hate it! Your really not good at it anyway.  I mean who wants to see a picture of a salad?!?!  You should just give it up.  Your pictures suck!    Your writing sucks!   You suck!"

When I'm not depressed the voice in my head sounds like this..

"Rats.  You forgot to take a picture today.  Hmmmm.....what to do, what to do.  How about this?   It's not to bad.  Even though it does kind of suck.  Actually it does suck.  You should just give it up.  Your pictures suck! Your writing sucks!  You suck! 

Oh wait...well...I guess sometimes the voices are the same and that is the reason I am in therapy.  And on meds.  And generally sort of a mess. 

After my hair appointment i came home and got in bed.  Surrounded with some reading material.


 You know... just typical stuff.

Entertainment Weekly.  The Handbook of Hospice.  




You would think that reading about Hospice would be even more depressing but it's oddly comforting.  We have already established that I hate the "unknown" so I have been trying to read all I can about the dying process. 

Obviously someone close to you dying right before your eyes can cause depression.  You wouldn't be human if it didn't. 
So I'm sure a large part of this...episode?  Whatever you call it  is being triggered by my bosses failing health.  But alot of it feels like the same ole struggles with myself.  Not being good enough, feeling worthless, and so very very tired even though I'm getting enough sleep. Total lack of energy and motivation to do the most simplest of tasks.  Confusion, racing thoughts and lack of concentration. 

Good times.

So I am going to hang out in bed tonight and hope for the best tomorrow.

 Hope I feel  lighter and not so dull and heavy.

 Hope I feel enough energy to cook my family a meal.  Which I haven't done the last few nights.

Hope my mind is clear enough to complete a task. 

 Hope that I feel good enough to smile for real. 

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