I haven't seen Jaime for a few weeks.  I was on vacation and then she was.  So my appointment today was basically just catching up on stuff. 

 It was sort of a waste of time. 

I just feel like I am talking about the same old stuff over and over.  And sometimes I feel like she can't figure me out. Which is depressing when the professional is stumped. 

I really like her though. 

Except today was more exhausting then helpful  I wasn't up for questions.  I wasn't up for thinking about how I feel.  She always says...is that how you really feel or is that how you want to feel?

Say what?

I told her, "my mind is to foggy to answer that."

She's worried about my not sleeping.  She says the intense and realistic dreams are because of my serotonin levels.  They are out of whack.  No surprise there! 

She keeps suggesting that I exercise more and eat better.  I know I should but when I feel really good I'm not exercising or eating well so it's not much motivation.  I mean....if that was the solve all then sure...I would try harder.  She suggested audio books when I wake up at night.  Because it's better then staring at the computer screen at 3 am.  Or playing with my phone and googling "How to Care for someone dying of Pulmonary Fibrosis." Even reading fiction...it can make my eyes tired but not my body. 

Maybe I'll try it. 

I did laugh a few times.  But also cried over the fact that I spent all of last Thursday in bed while my 11 year old was bored to tears and finally had me home and the option to go somewhere and I just couldn't.  

She told me that didn't make me a bad mom.  

I said, "Then why does it make me feel so bad?" 

I told her don't worry...I'm not going to run.  My mind hasn't gone there for awhile. 

She said that's good. 

I sure hope I come out of this soon.  It robs me of so much.  It takes away the good times and bleeds out the little self esteem that I have.  It makes me want to lay in bed all day but not being able to sleep. 

It makes me miss out so much.  I hate it.  It's the only emotion I feel these days.  Hatred for depression. Maybe that's a good thing though.  I hate it so much I won't let it win. 

So I just keep trudging forward.  Hoping when I wake up it will be gone and I'll have another long run of good times. 

Me at a happier time.

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