You know that feeling you get when your blood rushes to your head?  How about when it happens over and over again?  Ever had that happen?  No?

 Good.  It's not fun.

 Last night i was laying in the hotel bed and it kept happening over and over.  When it happens, everything gets loud.  It sounds like if you were to put your hands over your ears and someone turns up the volume really loud.  And then you have to walk through a door and you know whatever is on the other side is terrifying.  And that wave of terror and loudness washes over your body over and over again.  That's the feeling.

Good times!

After I finally fell asleep I started dreaming.  The medication makes me dream dreams that I physically feel. Do you know what I mean?  Like if your on fire and you FEEL hot?  Or if you have to carry a huge load on your back and you can't get it off and it's pressing on you so hard it's actually hard for you to inhale.  For real.  Ever had that happen? No?

Good.  That's not fun either. 

Surprisingly after all that I was doing OK this morning.  But as the afternoon went on....I started losing it.  It's really hard for me to  sit still.And then mix that up with being  in a crowd of people.  I started to fidget.  Only it's constant.  And....bigger then a fidget.  And probably distracting.  My husband asked if I wanted to leave. 
I said no.  I wanted to stay.  I really wanted to be strong and get through the whole day without bolting. But I stayed to long.  I started feeling like there was ants crawling on me.  I kept thinking....please, just let me get through this.  Only ten more minutes.  Only five more minutes. 
Finally it was over and I wanted to run but didnt.  We finally made it to the car. 
My husband tried talking to me.  I burst into tears and couldn't stop. 
I'll be OK, I said.  It's just been a long day.
We went to eat.  I calmed down.  I remembered to breathe. 
I hate being like this.  It makes me feel so.....almost like a little kid who can't control herself.  It's so demeaning. 
We went to Walgreen's.  I picked out some ice cream and told Keith that he better get his own because I was not sharing. 


Puffy, cried out eyes. 

I ate the whole container.

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