I saw Jamie today. We talked about eating disorders.  Probably because I told her I skip breakfast.

 And lunch. 

It's no surprise that eating disorders and depression go hand in hand.  Depression is self hate.  You pick at yourself constantly. When you hate yourself, it makes since that you hate the way you look as well.   Which makes you try to do something about it.  Even if that means drastic measures. 

She wanted to know about my food history.   
I said that I did try to make myself throw up a couple of times but couldn't do it. 
I told her I couldn't even do a eating disorder right!
I was kind of joking. 
She didn't think it was very funny. 
 She asked me how I felt after I eat.

"Guilty."

And when I don't?

"Happy that I had the self control not to."

She asked if I will be happy when I hit my goal weight. 

I said I have been there before.....and no, I still wasn't happy with myself. 

She said ,"Its not about the food.  Food is just food.  It is not a reward or a punishment.  It shouldn't make you feel guilty or happy.  It's just food."

She told me I have a distorted view of myself. 

I told her that my flaws are real!  Here let me show you!

She said, "Your WORTH is not based on flaws or pounds."

She said, "Instead of dieting I would really like to see you exercise instead. And not just walking your dog.  Maybe join a class."

I told her all of the excuses I could think of.

She said ,"I think you should do this for yourself."

I said, "It's really hard to do things for myself."

She said, "I know it is.  But you should try."

I told her I would look into it.  And try to eat more.

 Our time was up. 

I really do want to be healthy.  I want to be strong.  Both mentally and physically.  I think if the mental healing comes along  then the physical part will follow.  Or maybe it's the other way around.  I don't know.

I just want to be happy with myself.

 Inside and out.

Ive never felt it before. 

I think it would be amazing.

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