We are leaving for vacation next week. Going to South Dakota on a riding/camping trip.  It has taken loads of work to get ready for.  I really hope it's worth it. 
I think it will be.
I'm feeling good and all I can do is hope for the feeling to last.

My fear comes from leaving my boss.
I have been dreading this for months. 
I am with her at least four days a week and sometimes I pop in on the weekends.  She is dependent on me.

A co-worker told me I was the heart beat of her house.

That makes me happy and scares me at the same time. 

My work can be extremely stressful. 

And heartbreaking.

And at the same time, fulfilling. After fourteen years in her home,  I can finally give something back to her.  She has given me so much.  I have learned more from her then I can even begin to say. She has shaped  some of who I am.

 And I like that part of me. 

I'll be gone for eight days.  Thankfully she is still with us, mentally and somewhat physically.  But I worry.  Because I know that no one can do my job like I can.  And she knows it too.  She knows I need a break.  So she hasn't pressured me to stay.  But I know there will be times that she will be frustrated without me.  And not only that....

I fear that something will happen to her and I won't be there. 
I want to be there when it happens. 
I am trying to prepare myself mentally for the day that she takes her last breath. 
But you really can't do that can you?



Have you ever wore one of these?  She threw a few away because they were the wrong length so I tried it to see how it felt. 
It was extremely uncomfortable.  I couldn't stand it for more then five minutes. 

She wears it 24/7.

It causes chronic nose bleeds, dry skin on your face and sores on your ears. 
Not only that but the whole reason someone is wearing a tube in their nose is because they can't get enough air.

 And sometimes it's still not enough. 

I find myself breathing deeply when I see her struggling for breath. 

When I see someone wearing this at the store or something, my heart aches for them. 

And just for the record, she never smoked a day in her life.  Either did her husband.  People always ask me that.

I'm going to try hard not to worry about her while I'm gone.  I'm going to try hard to relish every moment with my husband and boys and not think about work.  I will not text my co-workers to see how she is doing.  Because even if it's a bad day....what will I be able to do anyway?

I also fear that maybe I will like being away.  Maybe I will see just how much weight my job has put on my shoulders.  What if I like the relief of being away to much? What if instead of itching to get back to work to help her, that I dread it instead?
 
I don't know.  Being around the dying is such a complicated thing.  Each day is different.  I can laugh and cry and feel joy and pain all in the same day.  I have no idea what will happen every time I walk through her door.   Sometimes at the end of the day I leave feeling lighter, thinking, everything is going to be OK!

  And other days.....

I cry all the way home. 

I do know without a doubt that I will be there for her until she doesn't need me anymore.  Whenever that may be. 

In the meantime I will live my life outside of work to the fullest that I can.  I will try not to miss a single moment.  I will try to let my worrying thoughts of her not cloud my days or rob me of the joy I will have being with my family.

I'll be back with her soon. 

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