I saw Jaime yesterday.  It was good.  But also frustrating.  Apparently I am ashamed that I have depression.  I don't like to talk about it and I don't like to tell people that I have it.

Why?

Because...."I have no reason to be depressed!"

Jaime says that I have probably told her that at least 45 times.  She says, "You don't need a reason.  The chemicals in your brain are not normal.  It's as real as diabetes."

Blah blah blah.

I ask, "Can't you just find a reason?  I would feel much better about my issues if there was one."

We moved on.

She said, "I think you are codependent."

Finally a reason!  Wait....

I said, "Nope.  That's when you are married or caring for someone with an addiction.  That's not me."

She said, "Not necessarily.  Let's take a little quiz."

"OK."

"Answer 'yes' or 'no'."

Codependents may....

~ think or feel responsible for other peoples feelings, actions, choices, well-being or lack of well-being.
~feel anxiety and guilt when other people have a problem
~feel compelled to help that person solve their problem
~anticipate other peoples needs
~find themselves saying yes, when they mean no.  doing things they don't really want to be doing.  doing more then their fair share of the work and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
~ not knowing what they want and need or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important
~ try to please other's instead of themselves
~ find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather then injustices done to themselves.
~ feel safest when giving
~ feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to them
~ find themselves attracted to needy people
~find needy people attracted them
~feel bored, empty, and worthless, if they don't have a crisis in there lives, a problem to solve or someone to help
~abandon there routine to respond to or do something for someone else
~reject compliments or praise
~pick on themselves constantly about they way they look, feel and behave
~feel different from the rest of the world
~think they are not good enough
~tell themselves they cannot do anything right
~be afraid of making mistakes
~wonder why they have a tough time making decisions
~expect themselves to do everything perfectly
~feel alot of guilt

.....she went on and on.  I just sat there.

Yes.  I feel every one of those things.

Fine.  Maybe I am codependent.  Whatever that means.  She gave me a book to read about it.  I flipped through it while I was there.  I kept saying..."See!  This isn't me.  These people have REAL problems in their lives".

 A alcoholic husband.  A troubled child.  A relationship hopper who went from one meth addict to the next.

No wonder they have issues!

They have a reason to be codependent.

Just give ME a reason.  Why am I codependent? Why do I have depression?

She asked me, "Why does there have to be a reason?"

I said, "Because if I knew why...then maybe I can fix it.  If there was a REASON then I could study, research, find out why I am why I am.  Label me.  Please.  Then I can google it, order books on it.  If I knew the reason...then maybe I would get better."

She said, "I am not a "backwards" therapist.  I don't dig into the past.  Not your childhood and not yesterday.  You are who you are today.  Let's work on how we can make your life better right now.  Whatever issues you are experiencing today.  And today you want a reason.  There isn't one.  Stop looking for it and accept who you are.  You have depression.  You are codependent.  Accept those things and lets see how we can deal with them so you can live the fullest life possible.  Today.  Stop feeling guilty about things you cannot control.  There is not a reason."

"But!  But!"

She gave me the book.  It's actually pretty good.  I'm trying not to analyze every example and wonder why none of them is me.  I just look for the good parts.  The parts where codependents get better.  Where they start caring for themselves.  Where they become more balanced.  Where they forgive themselves and move on.  Where they stop the self destructive behavior.

No matter what the reason is.  

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