I saw my therapist on Thursday.  She helps me work through things.  I know this. And yet every time as I drive to my appointment,  I am talking myself out of going.  Telling myself I don't need it.  I'm perfectly fine!  I have nothing to talk about! The brain is a tricky thing.

Especially mine apparently. 


Thursday she told me that I  have a bit of a disassociation problem.  Not in a "Sybil/multiple personality" way.  But in a...".my mind takes me places I don't want to go and it's hard to come back to reality" sort of way. You know how it is when you are at a funeral and you get the giggles?  And you know you shouldn't and it's so inappropriate and it's not even that funny but you just can't help yourself? 

It's sort of like that. 

Sometimes my mind is flooded with things. Things I don't want there.  It's images and sounds and feelings and they are popping all over the place, overlapping and  loud, crowding out everything else.  And they are as real as the keyboard I am typing on  now.  And it takes great effort to concentrate on anything else.  I sing songs in my head.  I count to 100.  I pray.  I try to remember every single teacher in elementary school I had. 

Anything to get back to reality.

My therapist said the emotional part of my brain is so powerful right now and the thinking part.....not so much.  I need to retrain that part.  Give less attention to the emotional part when it gets noisy and eventually it will lose it's power over me.

But how?

I asked for a pill to make it all go away.

She sort of laughed. 

She gave me some suggestions.  Concentrate on my  breathing.  Listen to the sounds around me.  How does the air feel on my skin?  What does the air smell like?  Anything to bring me back to here and now. 
She suggested I trace my hand.  List the five senses.  Write out what soothes me.  And when I get lost in my mind and can't crawl out...think about those things. 

So I got my markers out and pretended that I was in Kindergarten again.



I felt kind of silly. But also enlightened.   I thought for sure I would have endless ideas for "Taste" and "Sight."  But the one I could have filled up the whole page with was "Smell."  I must have a sensitive sniffer.  Smells soothe me.  Say that five times fast!

I was in my own little world today.  Folding a mountain of clothes in the bedroom.  My son had just mowed the front lawn.  My husband came in and said..."go outside for a minute."

I did.

I stood on the front porch and closed my eyes.  I smelled the freshly cut grass.  I felt a warm breeze on my skin.  I heard the birds singing.  And I felt good. 

Then I remembered that I was in my pajamas with no bra on and the church parking lot across the street was starting to empty out. 

I scurried inside.

But I felt lighter.  My mind was calmer.  Clearer. 

It worked. 

I doubt everything.  I doubt that I will ever get better.  I doubt that my medication is working.  I doubt that my sessions with Jamie are helping me.  I doubt my ability to do anything right.  I doubt I doubt I doubt.

This gave me hope.  Maybe I am getting better.  Everyday is a struggle.  My mind feels thick and it's hard to navigate through it.  But today I felt.....normal.  Maybe normal isn't the right word.  How about.... I felt  "here".  Present.

 I felt real today. 

Like a person. With five senses.  And it feels really good. 

Comments: