(I looked for a picture but couldn't find anything new or of any relevance.  So I've got nothing.  Sorry.)



Can I ramble on a little bit here?
This week hasn't been good.  
I called Jaime on Tuesday because I had to cancel today because of some scheduling issues.
We talked a little about things going on and then I rescheduled for next Thursday.  She was kind and nice but I really didn't want to have a session over the phone.  I didn't want to talk at all.

My dreams have been bad this week.  Highly emotional and anxiety filled.
Here's a sampling:

* I'm in the front row at a party for my boss.  Her son is beside me in a wheelchair.  He has ALS and can't swallow or talk anymore.  Everyone is standing up to say something.  It's supposed to be a kind word or two about my boss.  Instead it's all announcements about themselves.
 "We are getting married!"
"We bought a house!" I finally stood up and yelled "this is supposed to be a party for my boss!!"
But no one heard me because I had a little bitty voice.

* I'm with my family.  We have bought a huge apartment in a huge building that used to be a gym.  A really crappy gym.  And our bathroom is the shower area and they are filthy and slimy.  I can't find our bedroom.  There is a swimming pool inside and it's so huge I can't see the other side of it. The boys have friends that want to come over and swim.  They show up and I tell them no but they rush in anyway.  I try to count them all but they are to fast.  And now I can't see them anymore.

I wake up  emotional, unsettled and out of sorts.

I need to write a letter.  To some people.  And I really shouldn't while I'm feeling so badly.  But it's hanging over my head and it really shouldn't be like that.  I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.  But I need to do it.  I'm scared what the outcome will be.  It will either be a huge let down.  Or it will change my world.

I don't think I can handle either right now.

So I do nothing.

 I wish I could describe how this all feels.  There are other blogs out there about depression and mental disorders.  And sometimes they are spot on with their descriptions.  But I usually can't find the right words.  This week it feels like there are three other people living in my body.  And they are all trying to talk.  And they all want to do different things.  And I can't decide what to do and nothing feels right and I feel physically uncomfortable.  I don't want to be touched.  And I don't want to talk.  And I don't want to be asked any questions.  And when people do talk to me...I'm not really hearing them and I will just blurt out something that has nothing to do what they are saying.  And the slightest change in plans can throw me off.  Make me feel like I am burning up inside.  And it all makes me feel incredibly sad.  And a little pathetic with the "why me?" feelings.

So I try to sleep.  I woke up around nine today.  I went back to bed at noon.  I slept till three.  I may go back to bed at five.  And chances are I will sleep the whole night.  

Because even with the dreaming....it still feels better then how I feel awake.  

I know this will pass.  I know it will.  It always does.  And life will be good again.  And I will get things done and enjoy moments big and small.

I just wish it would hurry up and pass.