It's been five weeks since she died.  And 38 days since I saw her.  Is it weird that I'm keeping track?  Just let me do it for a while longer OK?

I had a dream about her last night.  It was very vivid.  She hadn't died after all!  They took her to the hospital and told everyone she had died but she was really just getting better.  I gave her a hug.  She looked at me and said,

"Why did you make my husbands hair cut appointment without asking me first?"

I said, "But, but you weren't here!  I had to do it soon because it's so hard to get an appointment with so and so.  I'm so sorry!"

She said, "Next time, you ask me first. You know better then that! I just want to make sure your doing it right"

She looked at me with disgust.  In my mind...I kept thinking, I thought she had died?  Why is she back?  I'm glad to see her but....I wish she wasn't mad at me.  I felt so weird.  And when I woke up...I still felt weird.

I felt strange the whole day.

Some days, I am really confident about the decisions I make at work.  Other days....It takes a week to make one.  Like the cookbooks on the counter.  Should I put them away?  She isn't going to cook anymore.  Her husband isn't going to cook either.  Does it make him sad to see those cookbooks on the counter?  Or does it make him happy?

I left them there.  I will probably leave them there for awhile.  But I did clean out two drawers today without much hesitation.

The dream was disturbing.  But I knew it wasn't real.  Obviously she is still dead.  But besides that...  she would not have gotten mad at me for making that appointment.

 Haircuts, every five weeks, at 8 in the morning.

Exactly what she taught me.

I am taking good care of him.  I am taking good care of the house.

I am doing it right.

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