I am at Scooters this morning.  But it's all different.  The air feels heavy.  It's to noisy.  My muffin is tasteless and my drink is to thick.

Yesterday I didn't leave work until 9pm.  I just couldn't pull myself away.  I ate dinner with the family and we talked and talked.  I listened to their stories and they listened to mine.  I told my bosses daughter in law that I loved talking to her girls because it made me feel so close to their Grandma.  And she said...

"They want to be near you because YOU make them feel close to their Grandma."

I cried and cried.

I dreamt last night that she was calling for me and I couldn't find her.



This is me after her service.  Swollen eyes and puffy face.  I cried and snotted and shook.

I know in my heart and mind that I will see her again.  And she will be healthy and youthful and I will have to tell her that I am so sorry but I am not cleaning her house anymore.

But.  For some reason that brings me no comfort now.  Because I miss her.  I want her here.  I hate that she had to suffer. That she had to die that way.  I know why we die and suffer but it still infuriates me. And the ache in my chest is so heavy it hurts.  It feels like I'm drowning. I know time will help.  But right now...I'll just let the grief sink into me.   I'll let it cover me like a blanket.  I loved her hard so I will grieve hard.  And that is OK.

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