Won't you come in?








I think I have shown you this before....



 Here it is now....




I really like how it turned out.

Here is the sewing machine that I have yet to use.




I love this wall.






I painted this.



I read those words every day.

I'll repaint it again.  I like it...but it needs some work.

I bought this at Home Goods.



I love how it looks old.










If you are humming the song that the lettered sign is from then we are best friends.

A couple more details....







I like pictures.  And words. Could you tell?

It's not quite finished.  My file cabinets....



I'm going to paint them.  And attach the handles that are on the desk.

I would also like to get a rug.  And I need to hem the curtains.  Maybe with my sewing machine!

I love the room.  I'm so grateful to have this space.



It's cozy at night too.




A special thank you to Darren who ripped out the carpet and painted the walls!  And to all my boys who helped move all my stuff from downstairs to upstairs.    

And to all of you. Thanks for letting me share my space with you.    Please come back again soon....

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I wonder when I'll stop counting the weeks.  And start saying months.  Like today...it's been eight weeks since my boss died.  But on November ninth it will be two months.  Maybe after twelve weeks I will say three months.  I wonder when I will stop counting period.  And I'll have to count the months on my fingers to see how long it's been.

The dogs have stopped looking for her.  They used to run into the house and check her office.  Then her bathroom.  Then the kitchen.

Now they just know.


They have been such troopers that I bought them some new toys.  They were so happy.

I'm so glad they are around for the Bossman.  They are always so excited when they see him.

There is still a sadness in the house.  Even if they have stopped looking for her.

Sometimes I still do.

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We went to the football game.  It was pretty rotten.  Until the last play.

 You may have heard. 


Like I said...the game wasn't the best.  Terrible actually.  But they squeaked in a win.  






The boys had fun.  I was nervous and read food magazines.   I didn't feel the best.  I still don't.  I know it will pass.  But it's so hard not to feel anything.  To have numbness replace emotion.  But then out of the blue feel such intense feelings over something so insignificant that you burst into tears.  

It's exhausting. 

I don't like it.  

Some days I am so over this I want to scream. 

Other days I am so tired that it's hard to tie my shoes.  

I did work in my office this weekend.  Pictures to come....

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(I looked for a picture but couldn't find anything new or of any relevance.  So I've got nothing.  Sorry.)



Can I ramble on a little bit here?
This week hasn't been good.  
I called Jaime on Tuesday because I had to cancel today because of some scheduling issues.
We talked a little about things going on and then I rescheduled for next Thursday.  She was kind and nice but I really didn't want to have a session over the phone.  I didn't want to talk at all.

My dreams have been bad this week.  Highly emotional and anxiety filled.
Here's a sampling:

* I'm in the front row at a party for my boss.  Her son is beside me in a wheelchair.  He has ALS and can't swallow or talk anymore.  Everyone is standing up to say something.  It's supposed to be a kind word or two about my boss.  Instead it's all announcements about themselves.
 "We are getting married!"
"We bought a house!" I finally stood up and yelled "this is supposed to be a party for my boss!!"
But no one heard me because I had a little bitty voice.

* I'm with my family.  We have bought a huge apartment in a huge building that used to be a gym.  A really crappy gym.  And our bathroom is the shower area and they are filthy and slimy.  I can't find our bedroom.  There is a swimming pool inside and it's so huge I can't see the other side of it. The boys have friends that want to come over and swim.  They show up and I tell them no but they rush in anyway.  I try to count them all but they are to fast.  And now I can't see them anymore.

I wake up  emotional, unsettled and out of sorts.

I need to write a letter.  To some people.  And I really shouldn't while I'm feeling so badly.  But it's hanging over my head and it really shouldn't be like that.  I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.  But I need to do it.  I'm scared what the outcome will be.  It will either be a huge let down.  Or it will change my world.

I don't think I can handle either right now.

So I do nothing.

 I wish I could describe how this all feels.  There are other blogs out there about depression and mental disorders.  And sometimes they are spot on with their descriptions.  But I usually can't find the right words.  This week it feels like there are three other people living in my body.  And they are all trying to talk.  And they all want to do different things.  And I can't decide what to do and nothing feels right and I feel physically uncomfortable.  I don't want to be touched.  And I don't want to talk.  And I don't want to be asked any questions.  And when people do talk to me...I'm not really hearing them and I will just blurt out something that has nothing to do what they are saying.  And the slightest change in plans can throw me off.  Make me feel like I am burning up inside.  And it all makes me feel incredibly sad.  And a little pathetic with the "why me?" feelings.

So I try to sleep.  I woke up around nine today.  I went back to bed at noon.  I slept till three.  I may go back to bed at five.  And chances are I will sleep the whole night.  

Because even with the dreaming....it still feels better then how I feel awake.  

I know this will pass.  I know it will.  It always does.  And life will be good again.  And I will get things done and enjoy moments big and small.

I just wish it would hurry up and pass.

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Comments:

I don't remember what I did this weekend.
Have I ever told you what my depression medication does to my memory?

It squashes it.

My poor co-worker is used to it.
"Did I just vacuum that rug?"
"Did I tell you to get the dry cleaning? Did I actually say it out loud or just think it?"
"Have you seen my Windex?"




I ask my husband,  "Have we been here before?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."

I have no recollection of it.

I can look at a scripture and stare at it and repeat it in my mind and write it down and even take a picture of it.

I won't remember it.

It is very very very frustrating.  The good news is that I get out of bed each day and I'm able to function like a normal person.  Most days anyway.

So I guess I'll keep taking my medicine and deal with the side effects.

On Saturday I went to Scooters.  And then to work.  And then....everything else is kind of a blur.  I felt so sad and out of sorts.





It feels like I am starting all over again with the grieving process.  I feel raw again.  I have heard this happens but I didn't actually believe it would HAPPEN.  This backtracking.

I made this pie on Saturday.  Or was it Sunday?
I'm not sure.




When I'm out of sorts, the structure of baking helps.  Even though I have to look at the recipe four hundred times.

Sometimes I have to repeat the measurements in my mind over and over again.

1/2 cup, 1/2 cup, 1/2 cup.

Sometimes that doesn't work and I still have to look again.

But that's OK.





The pie was delicious. And it helped me focus on something other then the sadness.

And it was delicious.

Did I say that already?

Haha.

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This is us on Friday before we went to the "Celebration" of my bosses life party.

Before my make up had dripped off from all the tears.

I work with some amazing people.  People who can pull off a fantastic party in very little time.  The location, food and entertainment was absolutely perfect.

She would have loved to have been there.

I held it together fairly well with all the hugging and talking and questions.

But then the entertainment started and the songs were so beautiful.  They were all her favorites.  In between some of them they would say...."Now this is a party!  Let's liven things up a bit!"

Then they would sing a upbeat song.   People would stand up and start dancing.  I couldn't do it.  I just sat there stoically.

I cried and cried and finally I just had to leave.

So we left.  It was almost the end.  But not quite.  I felt bad that I didn't say goodbye to some people.

But they understood.

It was awful.

I felt so sad today.

My heart just has this huge hole in it.

The boss man was exhausted but he said a little speech at the end and it was really nice.  My husband had asked him earlier if I was taking good care of him.

He said, "Well, she picked out this tie for me to wear tonight!"

And you know what?

It was perfect.

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