"The longing to leave..... brings out something that isn’t much discussed in descriptions of depression. It is the active face of the illness. We often focus on the passive symptoms, the inactivity, the isolation, sense of worthlessness, disruption of focused thought, lack of will to do anything. But paradoxically the inner loss and need can drive depressed people to frenzied action to fill the great emptiness in the center of their lives. They may long to replace that inadequate self with an imagined new one that makes up for every loss".

I will tell you....when I read this....I was trembling.  I wanted to cry with relief that this was a symptom of my depression and not how I really felt in my heart.  Of course I fall into the typical category of feeling the passive symptoms too.  But the "frenzied action" he describes....isn't quite as common.

"My experience with this phase of illness occurred when I had only limited awareness of the hold depression had on me. That may be a key to understanding the dynamic and how to respond to someone in the grip of this drive to turn life upside down. Unhappy without knowing why, I had to find an explanation, and the easiest way to do that was to look outward. I could only see my present life, my wife, my work as holding me back, frustrating my deepest desires. In effect, I was blaming everyone but me for my misery. In that state, I could only focus on the promise of leaving, finding a new mate, new work, new everything.

.... I knew so clearly that I was not the problem, certainly not sick but for the first time on the verge of escaping into the exciting life I should have been living all along".

Blame, blame, blame.  I pointed at everyone else as the source of all my problems. I was as he said...."Unhappy and not knowing why." One of the most frustrating symptoms of this illness.


"There is something very close to the power of addiction in the fantasy of escape. I found it almost impossible to see through the dreams of a new life. It meant so much – my survival as a person seemed to be at stake. Unaware of the full effect of depression, blocking out what my wife and others were trying to tell me, I inflicted a lot of pain on my family, thinking that I had to be brutally honest in order to save myself."


He goes on to talk about the devastating impact that living with and loving a depressed person can cause to a family and friends.  And how it is not there fault that the depressed person feels the way they do. 


I thought that the  advice below was helpful too. Because so many people think that if a depressed person is surrounded by people they love it will be OK.  Although it is reassuring that they are cared for....it is not a remedy.

And remember that you can’t cure someone else with your words and love. They only backfire. At most, you can help your partner gradually gain awareness. It will take the combined influence of you and many others to get a depressed person to start seeing a different explanation for what’s wrong. Only your partner can do the heavy lifting. Only your partner can experience the inner change of thought and feeling that comes with the recognition that there is an illness to be dealt with.

I have done some heavy lifting.  However....I  have a amazing partner who helps carry some of my weight if I can't bear another step.  

I will say here that being depressed is certainly not a license to ruin lives.  My own or anyone elses.  You can't say..

."Hey!  I robbed a liqueur store but I have depression so sue me!"

There are consequences.  Even the insane have to bear the weight of there actions.  If they kill some one or commit a crime....they have to be locked up.   

Sometimes in a depressed state we make grave, stupid mistakes. 

Our depression may be the reason why but it's not a excuse. 

We still have to pay.  And try to make things right. 

I have a long ways to go.

 I still fight the urge to bolt every so often. It's not as strong as it used to be.

But it's still there. It may always be there.  But I am fighting.  I'm getting stronger. I'm quieting my mind when it rages into "bolting" mode. It's not as easy as shutting my eyes and waiting for the curtain to come up.

 It's really really hard.

 It's hard to let something go that has been with you for 30 some years. But like cigarettes, it's a bad craving.  Bad for my health and well being.  Bad for my family.

Bad for my heart. 

And naturally this isn't my only issue.  But I just take one day at a time.  I have too.  And I try really hard not to look back.  But....that is....almost impossible not to do. 

I guess it's time to wrap this post up.  Sorry it's so long winded. If you have read this far....Way to Go!  You are to be commended!  Thank you for sticking with me.

Tomorrow I will have something light and fluffy for you.  I promise. 

Here is the link to the quotes.  This is the home page.  You will have to search for the article "The Longing to Leave" if your interested.  http://www.storiedmind.com/ 

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No no.  Not that kind. 



Not that kind either. 

I'll explain in a bit. I just have to write this out first OK?  It's been keeping me up at night for awhile.  I'm afraid this may be long.  And sort of like a roller coaster and you will be saying, "And her point is??????"

And at times I may be saying, "And my point is??????"

But hopefully I'll be able to come back around and wrap things up nicely and tie it all up with a neat little bow because that is exactly how life is.

HA.

Here are a few pieces of trivia about me.




1)  Remember a long time ago when you went to see a movie and the screen had a curtain covering it?  And then when the movie started the curtain slowly parted and rose to the top?

I hated that moment.

 I hated it so much that I would shut my eyes and ask whoever I was with to tell me when it was over so that  I could open my eyes when the curtain was all the way up.  I hoped and prayed that if I was with friends, that they wouldn't make fun of me.  I remember waiting in the bathroom till after the movie started when I was with some new people  Because how would I explain it without looking.....crazy?

I hated it so much that it made me sick to my stomach with anticipation.  It almost made me never want to see a movie for the rest of my life.  Thankfully they don't have those curtains anymore. 



2)   When I was in Alaska we traveled by boat to a huge glacier.  We went round and round several bends.  I hated each one.  Because I never knew when we rounded the corner if the glacier would be there or not.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I wanted to close my eyes.  I didn't want to see it.  When it finally did, instead of relief,  I felt weak i the knees.  




3)  In South Dakota, on the trails, sometimes you would go up a hill and not see what was on the other side until you were at the top.  I had a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach the whole time.  I hated not knowing if it was flat or a downward slope after I reached the top.  As I rounded each corner i felt so much dread.  I kept thinking....please get me off this trail.  I need a flat, wide road with a horizon that I can see. 



4) I hate suspenseful movies.  National Treasure?  Probably not on your top list of very suspenseful movies.

 I walked out of the theater three times because I was scared.

 It's a family film.

 For kids.

 By DISNEY!

You can only imagine what a truly scary movie would do to me. 


See the common thread? 

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This is me without makeup.  Although you probably didn't notice.  Ha ha!  But seriously....there really isn't a point in getting prettied up.  Because it's camping.

 It's dirty. 

 It's buggy.

 It's hot at times and other times it's freezing.

 It means peeing on trees.  And that's not just for the boys. 

I have been tent camping in primitive camp sites.  And the thing I really missed the most was not being able to wash my hands.  Hand sanitizer can only clean so much.  And the other thing is that there is no space to really put your stuff.  So when we got our pop-up I was thrilled.

  It has a sink.


This is so nice.  I can wash my hands and  brush my teeth without spitting outside. 
Under the white cover is a stove.  A great bonus. 

Underneath the stove is a refrigerator.  Another bonus...


So aside from the regular camping food like hamburgers and hot dogs,  we were able to have other things.  Like steak tacos. 


Even with the camper, it's still hard to keep things tidy.  There is stuff covering every surface.




And the dirt?  Well, it's impossible to keep out.



However the advantages is that you are outside, but still protected from the elements.  You get to hear the birds at 4 am.  Which can be annoying but also soothing.  You get to smell the pine trees and the mountain air at all times. 
It's also a heck of a lot cheaper then staying in a hotel. 

However.

 After five days of using public toilets and showers, sleeping with a few bugs in my bed and constantly digging for stuff because I kept forgetting where I put it....I was over it. 

So we left a day early.  We got home around midnight.  I was so tired but knew i couldn't sleep without a shower.  In MY shower. 

The water beating on my sunburned neck never felt so good. 

P.S. I'm taking a little blogging break till Monday.  I haven't been feeling the best.  And by that I mean that I don't have the flu.  Or a cold.  I guess I could say I have a flu in my mind.  Or a head cold.  Oh wait....that's still a cold. 
Anyway...I've been working on a really long post that has been keeping me awake at night, making my stomach queezy and my head hurt.  But I have to write it out or I will go crazy.  Crazier.  I'll post part one on Monday.  I told you it was long.
Hopefully my mood will improve over the next few days.  It may.  Or it may not.  I am feeling fairly rotten today.  So any improvement tomorrow will be appreciated.  I guess we will see.
Have a good weekend and see you Monday. 

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On Saturday we traveled about three hours east to Lake Oahe which was created by a dam along the Missouri River.  There were three huge campgrounds.  They were stuffed full of campers.  The main attraction here is boating and fishing. 

But we  came here to ride. 










The riding was...OK.  Micah really liked it.  He likes tracks better then trails and this is mainly what it was.  He likes the repetition. 

When we came back Sunday evening the campground was almost empty. 

Which was nice...but also a little creepy.  The next day we rode a little bit more and then we were kind of over this place.  It wasn't as scenic as Mystic Hills and there wasn't a whole lot to do or see other then riding. 

So we decided to pack up and head for home. 

Overall it was a great trip.  Very relaxing and we had a really good time just the four of us. 

I'll blog a few details later in the next couple days....

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We left early on Wednesday morning.  It was about a nine hour drive.  I saw this on the way....




Can I live in this picture?  Right in the middle please? I love wide open spaces. 

I also saw this....




I call this the "Micah Sandwich".  This could not have been comfortable. Surprisingly they both slept. 

There was alot of laughing and fighting. We still have to do the imaginary line in the middle of the seat with alot of ,  " Stay on your side"!!! 

We finally arrived around 4.



Mystic Hills is a private campground.  Close to Deadwood and not to far from Sturgis.   Small but really nice with full hook ups, flushable toilets and a shower house.  They mostly cater to four wheelers and side-by-sides so we felt at home.  And a big plus was that it was almost all men staying there so I got the bathroom and shower all to myself.  Yay! 

The next day we hit the trails.  There are miles and miles of them.  We barely scratched the surface. 





  It was beautiful.



We loved this place.  Looking back we wish we would have just stayed here the whole time.  It was so secluded but safe.  The owners were friendly and helpful and the other campers were nice.  We spent one more whole day here and then we moved to the next place on Saturday.  I'll blog about that tomorrow. 

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Comments:

That magnet there in the middle?  It means more to me then I can even say in words.

Thank you thank you thank you.

We are as ready as we can be for our camping trip.  Hoping to leave tomorrow by 8.

 Or before.

 Or after.  Whenever we get the bikes loaded and the camper hitched.  It's about a nine hour drive.  I probably won't sleep much tonight but that's ok.  I'll snooze in the truck. 

I am....ok.  I'll be better tomorrow once we are on the road. 

We packed our clothes in garbage bags because it's easier to stuff into the camper.  Here's how my youngest labeled his.....




Nice.  It turns out that "Micah's Crap" didn't include enough socks, underwear, OR his riding gear.  Good thing I checked. 

I had a bit of a break down tonight.  But nothing that a hug couldn't fix.... (note the last text.)




Also the little pictures....we are busy during the day but send each other a little something to know we are thinking of the other. 

It makes me smile. 

I'm not sure if I will have internet where we are going.  I'm guessing not but you never know.  If I do I'll write updates.  If I don't, I will see you all next week. 

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