I miss some parts of the old me. 
I miss being organized. 
I miss having the energy to clean up after dinner, scrub the kitchen floor, do two loads of laundry and read a fourth of a book all before nine o'clock. 
I miss always responding to emails the day they arrived in my inbox. 
I miss throwing really big, fun parties. 
I miss entertaining in general. 
I miss being there for people.  Reaching out to people.  Helping people. 
Now I'm the one being helped. 

I was able to be the person above for so long.  It was easy for awhile.  Then it got frustrating.  I tried to maintain.  That was who I was. 

But then I cracked.  Fell apart.  Drowned.  I lost myself. 

And it was all I could do to get dressed in the morning. 

I'm better now.  But I'm not the same. 

And that is a grief that leaves me feeling hollow and empty some days. 

Because I want to do all those things.  I think about it all the time.  But then my head starts feeling heavy and my chest begins to burn and I remember that I'm not that girl anymore. 

Some days....I really miss her. 

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