I had a appointment with Jaime at today.  I was a bit startled when I walked into the waiting room because there was a clown.  Not for entertaining patients.  He WAS a patient.  And instead of makeup on his face....he had tattoo's.

 He was a permanent clown.

I took a seat next to Rainman.  Do you remember the movie?  Rainman kept a journal of all his injuries.  The guy I sat next to had a injury journal complete with pictures.

I thought....is this my future?

Jaime laughed and said no.

But I'm not so sure.

She was disappointed that my medication wasn't working.
We talked about this and that and then she cracked me open.

She told me I find good in everyone except myself.  It's true.

The crying started.

She said I need to stop the negative thinking. I already know this.  She said when my mind goes there....to redirect it.  Think about things I'm grateful for.   And it can't be the big stuff.  Like my husband and kids.  Because that always leads to guilt.  It goes like this.

Wow.  I'm feeling really really low.
Stop.
What am I grateful for?
My family!
They are such a fantastic family!
They are healthy and they love me!
But......
I need to do more for them.
They deserve better then a sick mom and wife.
If only I was happy.
They deserve a happy mom.
Wow.  I'm feeling really really low.

That's the cycle.  So for now she told me to keep it small.  Like....

Wow.  I'm feeling really really low.
Stop.
What am I grateful for?
Hmmmm......
I am grateful for the tulips popping up.  They are so pretty.
I am grateful for my fabulous fitting bra!  They are hard to find!

You get the idea.

Then she said I need to compliment myself.  On something I did  during the day.  However little or small that would be.  Or ask myself why my family loves me.  How do they see me?

That will be more difficult.  

After Jaime I drove straight to my doctors appointment.  I waited a hour to see him.  But once he was in the room he spent alot of time with me.  We went over how I was feeling and what medication changes he would make.  He bumped up my Welbutrin and added a small dose of thyroid medication.  Even though my thyroid levels were normal, he thought a boost might help with my fatigue.


 Since I've been on this dark road for so long...he  thought it was time to see a psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist is better fit to analyze my symptoms and medication.

He said that some patients are resistant to medication and that shock therapy was the answer.
And psychiatrists are the only ones who can prescribe TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)

Yikes

TMS is the least invasive of the two.  You are awake and electric pulses are sent by a device to the part of the brain that controls mood.

With ECT, electrodes are put on the patients scalp and a electric current is applied.  They put you under for that.  It sounds terrifying but apparently it's among the safest and most effective treatments for depression.

Double yikes.

If the medication works then fantastic.  If it doesn't then I will see the psychiatrist he referred me too.  Hopefully he will find the right cocktail of meds for me.

If he can't.....

I don't know.

I cried.

My doctor kept telling me....you're not crazy.

He must have said that three times.

It made me a little suspicious.  

Isn't shock therapy what they did to that guy in A Beautiful Mind?

He was crazy.

I came home and cried to my husband.

After dinner we took a walk.

My mind was dark.

So....I thought what am I grateful for?

I am grateful for my legs.  They are strong and carry me through the neighborhood.  There.  There is my one grateful.  Now a compliment...
I took Micah to the mall today and bought him new shoes.  Which seems like a small thing.  But it was big for me since I'm feeling so low.  I did a good thing for him.  I am a good mom.  

I think I'm going to be ok. I do.  I made it through today and I'll make it through tomorrow.  If the medication works, then great.  If it doesn't....I have options.  It's not a dead end road.  There is hope for me.  

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