Oh really?  Why??  

Haha.  

Abilify:  It worked for awhile.  And then it made me crazy.  Seriously.  At one point I was on my bed, rocking back and forth, and thinking, "I understand why people kill themselves.  This feeling is unbearable."

I stopped taking it. 

Welbutrin:  I have been on it for a week and the results aren't in yet.  I THINK it's working but I don't want to say that to loud.  I have felt so bad for so long.....If I feel a spark of goodness....I hold my breath and wonder, "Maybe this is it.  Maybe this is the start of that feeling.  That happy feeling.  That normal feeling.  The less anxious feeling.  The less gloomy feeling.  Maybe the bricks in my chest will finally start to loosen"

Anxiety:  It's been worse then usual.  I have to remind myself to breathe.  To calm down.  My mind races to things that aren't good for me to ponder.  So I try to occupy it.  I've been reading alot.  I make sure I have plenty of books around.  

Past mistakes:  Results are tough.  Alot of guilt.  Self hate.  A damaged heart.  Ill try and make them birds.  My mistakes.  Hopefully one day they will soar so high I won't see them anymore.  I think I need to watch a few episodes of Bob Ross and his beautiful art.  I think it would calm my mind.  And maybe patch up my heart a little.  

We are going camping/riding this weekend.  It will be so nice to have a change of scenery. I'm hoping to ride, video the boys and read.  I can't wait to smell a campfire mixed with the damp earth.  

I hope the happy feeling that is so very small right now will continue to grow and grow over the weekend.  

I'll let you know the results.