I haven't felt good in weeks.  Or has it been months?  I've lost track.  I don't REMEMBER when I felt good. Hows that?
I feel like I have a brick resting on each shoulder.
I feel like my head is full of cotton.  It's stuffed so full I can taste it.
I feel like someone is sitting on my chest.
My heart is pounding in my throat.
There is an itch behind my eyes that I cannot scratch.
Everything is one big irritation.  Voices.  My clothes.  Charging up my phone.  Waiting for water to boil.
It all makes my chest burn.
And I am so very tired.

I saw my doctor today.  Actually she is a physicians assistant.  But she is better then any doctor that I have ever seen.  She told me that prescribing me more medication is out of her "comfort zone." She referred me to a psychiatrist.  Someone who is better equipped to manage my prescriptions.  I started to cry.
 
"You mean I'm not going to get any new meds today?"

She said, "No.  But let's walk up to the front desk together and make sure you get in to see him tomorrow."

She assured me that I will feel better.  That he will find the right "mix" of drugs so that I will feel human again.

It's so fun going through my depression history with someone new!  I can't wait!  The other fun part is starting a new drug and waiting to see what side effects will settle in.  Some will disappear in a few days and others stay forever.
 
My family has been amazing through all this.  I yelled at Micah today for no reason other then  I was irritated and lack patience.
I apologized.
His response was so sweet.
Which made me feel even worse for being who I am.
This is such a awful cycle.
I could go on and on.
But I'm to tired.
Hopefully I will have a few answers tomorrow.  Some hope at least.  That someday soon I will feel like myself again.

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