First of all,

Ma, I have no idea what that plant is called.  It's some sort of lilly.  And look!  It bloomed!   I have no idea if it will keep blooming or if it's a one time thing.

That probably doesn't answer your question.





The place where I work just got a load of cows.  I think I could watch them for hours.  They are so curious and gentle.  But also scaredy-cats.  And if one starts to run off, they all do.  I like their sounds and even the smell doesn't bother me to much.


Some friends of ours just got chickens. They live in the city so all the neighbors have to sign off on it.
One neighbor is being a stinker about it.  They are so adorable right now. And our friends are getting really attached to them.  The all have names.  So I really hope they get to keep them.

So much for the random stuff.  This post is actually about how busy I am going to be the next two weeks.  I am leaving for Jackson, Wyoming on Thursday and coming back Saturday.  At least I think it's Saturday.  It could be Sunday.  I guess I better find out.  It's a working trip.  In fact I expect to be running my tail off practically the whole time.

Then the following week is the convention.  We leave on Thursday.

That is going to take alot of preparation.

I'm not ready for either trips.

I'm still not at my full potential.  I am better.  That is for sure.  But I am so scatter brain right now.  And the increase dosage of Welbutrin is making me shake. Bascially just my hands.   I hope that stops soon.  It's not annoying or anything.  It's just sort of embarrassing.

I start to decrease my Viibryd next Sunday and I have no idea how I will react to that.  Hopefully I'll just have heart palpitations like I usually do when I go off meds.  Feels funny and is bit scary but I can deal with that.  Physical side effects I can handle.

It's the mental part that may be tough.

Or maybe not.  Maybe I will have a smooth transition and I'll continue to be on the upswing.

I hope.  I'm going to be to busy not too.

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On Friday I met with a nurse practitioner named Maggie.  Before I saw her I had to fill out a load of paper work.  Pages and pages of  "always, sometimes, not very often or never".  I felt like I was in school.

When filling out mental health forms I am always proud of myself that I can say "never" to questions like...

"Do you pick fights?"

"Do you steal things?"

"Do you see people who aren't really there?"

I always think, "See?  I'm not so bad off after all."

But then there are other questions.  Questions that I would rather not be truthful about.  Because they make me sad.   But I mark my answers the best that I can.

Maggie called me into her office.  She had a sweet face and a warm voice.  She looked younger then me.  By alot.

But that didn't matter.  She really knew her stuff.

She told me to start from the beginning.  In a nutshell.

Oh boy.

So I go through my whole story.  Of course I end up crying and she promptly hands me the Kleenex box.  I bet she has a whole cabinet full of them.

She is typing furiously as I'm talking.

After about 45 minutes she reaches the verdict.

The Viibryd isn't working.  She  increased my Wellbutrin dosage because I seem to be feeling better with that. Once my body is used to the higher dosage (around two weeks) then I will cut my Viibryd  in half.  I do that for two weeks then go in to see her.  Then she will prescribe me Zoloft.

The only bad part is that going off of Viibryd even slowly can cause withdrawal symptoms.  Meanwhile I'll be starting a new drug that may have side effects.  She warned me that I may feel worse before I feel better.

I can handle that as long as I'm prepared for it.

We did talk about ECT.  She said that it is extremely affective and the results are immediate.
But I haven't exhausted all the medications so I'm not at the end of the road yet.

She wrapped up things with me and gave me her card.  And another card with a suicide hotline number on it.

That made me shudder a bit.

But I guess look at where I'm at.

So that is that.

I am hopeful.

Meanwhile, I have a little more energy.  I planted some flowers this weekend.



I went through all my summer clothes and shoes.




There is no way I could have done this even a few weeks ago.

So that is progress.  I'm not all the way there yet.  But I feel like I can breathe a little easier.

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I'm feeling a little better.  A week ago Sunday I woke up and felt a tad lighter.  Last week I didn't have to talk myself out of calling in sick to work.  I ran some errands and didn't force myself in and out of the truck.  I caught up on a few things at home.  I smiled and laughed.  I lingered a little at meeting instead of bolting for the door as soon as they said Amen.

Every day isn't a good one though.  On Thursday I slept until 11.  I went to the butcher to pick up a quarter of a cow that we bought.  I came home and went back to bed.  I slept until 2:30.  I picked up Micah from school.  And came home and went to bed until 5:00.  Then proceeded to sleep the whole night through.

I was dragging on Friday.

But then Saturday and Sunday were fairly good days.

Today was better then most I've had in months.

 It comes in waves.  I will be feeling light and airy one hour and the next I want to hide and never see anyone again ever.  My mind races from I'm a horrible rotten person to I have some good stuff inside of me.

So I guess that is progress.  Because at least there are some positive feelings during the day.  And I tell you what, it has been so long since I felt normal that when I feel good it is almost euphoric. Even if it's only for a hour.   It's like  a high.  I want to hurry and get things done and enjoy every single second.  I want to soak in that good feeling into my bones.  I wish I could store it up and use it sparingly.  Spread it out a little.  Conserve it for the days that I'm really busy and need the energy.

I cannot even imagine feeling good everyday, all day.  Would I take it for granted after awhile?  I don't think so.

Try me.  Please.  

I'm keeping my appointment with the nurse at the psychiatric office.  I still think my meds need tweaking.

So I am hanging on.  Hoping for more good days then bad.  I pray every night that the next morning I'll feel OK.  That maybe this will last for awhile.

I am holding my breath.

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I absolutely hate talking on the phone.  So I have procrastinated six days to make a appointment with the psychiatrist.
I finally called today.
I was transferred four times. I  teared up every time I repeated what I was calling for and finally someone told me that the doctor I was referred to is no longer accepting new patients.

Of course!

I asked....what am I supposed to do then?

The gal said that if I wanted to see another psychiatrist the soonest she could book a appointment was June.

Really?  How is that even possible.  There are people out there with much more serious problems then me....how in the world can you tell a mental patient that they can't get help for another month or so?

I said, that's not going to work.

She said she can get me in to see the nurse practitioner sooner.

Yes please.

All I'm really needing is someone to manage my medication.

I already have a therapist.

So hopefully this nurse will be able to help me.

Because so far...nothing seems to be working.

My appointment is May 16th.

With every appointment I make I tell myself.....I just have to hang on until then!

But nothing ever changes.

I can't tell you how discouraging that is.

This month was my birthday month.  A few stores sent me ten dollar gift cards.

I didn't have the energy or desire to go buy anything.

What a waste.

The above flowers did bring a smile to my face.  I half- heartedly planted them a few months ago thinking, there is no way these will ever come up.

I couldn't believe it when I saw them!  They are so pretty! The colors remind me of cream cheese mints.

I know someone who has a box at the Century Link Center.  I got free tickets to Rascal Flatts.



They were really good and I knew all the songs.
It was nice being with the family.


But the whole time I was thinking, I should be enjoying this more.  I just want to have a good time when there are good times to be had.

I pray every night....please let this lift from me.

One day it will.

It has to.

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I had a appointment with Jaime at today.  I was a bit startled when I walked into the waiting room because there was a clown.  Not for entertaining patients.  He WAS a patient.  And instead of makeup on his face....he had tattoo's.

 He was a permanent clown.

I took a seat next to Rainman.  Do you remember the movie?  Rainman kept a journal of all his injuries.  The guy I sat next to had a injury journal complete with pictures.

I thought....is this my future?

Jaime laughed and said no.

But I'm not so sure.

She was disappointed that my medication wasn't working.
We talked about this and that and then she cracked me open.

She told me I find good in everyone except myself.  It's true.

The crying started.

She said I need to stop the negative thinking. I already know this.  She said when my mind goes there....to redirect it.  Think about things I'm grateful for.   And it can't be the big stuff.  Like my husband and kids.  Because that always leads to guilt.  It goes like this.

Wow.  I'm feeling really really low.
Stop.
What am I grateful for?
My family!
They are such a fantastic family!
They are healthy and they love me!
But......
I need to do more for them.
They deserve better then a sick mom and wife.
If only I was happy.
They deserve a happy mom.
Wow.  I'm feeling really really low.

That's the cycle.  So for now she told me to keep it small.  Like....

Wow.  I'm feeling really really low.
Stop.
What am I grateful for?
Hmmmm......
I am grateful for the tulips popping up.  They are so pretty.
I am grateful for my fabulous fitting bra!  They are hard to find!

You get the idea.

Then she said I need to compliment myself.  On something I did  during the day.  However little or small that would be.  Or ask myself why my family loves me.  How do they see me?

That will be more difficult.  

After Jaime I drove straight to my doctors appointment.  I waited a hour to see him.  But once he was in the room he spent alot of time with me.  We went over how I was feeling and what medication changes he would make.  He bumped up my Welbutrin and added a small dose of thyroid medication.  Even though my thyroid levels were normal, he thought a boost might help with my fatigue.


 Since I've been on this dark road for so long...he  thought it was time to see a psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist is better fit to analyze my symptoms and medication.

He said that some patients are resistant to medication and that shock therapy was the answer.
And psychiatrists are the only ones who can prescribe TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)

Yikes

TMS is the least invasive of the two.  You are awake and electric pulses are sent by a device to the part of the brain that controls mood.

With ECT, electrodes are put on the patients scalp and a electric current is applied.  They put you under for that.  It sounds terrifying but apparently it's among the safest and most effective treatments for depression.

Double yikes.

If the medication works then fantastic.  If it doesn't then I will see the psychiatrist he referred me too.  Hopefully he will find the right cocktail of meds for me.

If he can't.....

I don't know.

I cried.

My doctor kept telling me....you're not crazy.

He must have said that three times.

It made me a little suspicious.  

Isn't shock therapy what they did to that guy in A Beautiful Mind?

He was crazy.

I came home and cried to my husband.

After dinner we took a walk.

My mind was dark.

So....I thought what am I grateful for?

I am grateful for my legs.  They are strong and carry me through the neighborhood.  There.  There is my one grateful.  Now a compliment...
I took Micah to the mall today and bought him new shoes.  Which seems like a small thing.  But it was big for me since I'm feeling so low.  I did a good thing for him.  I am a good mom.  

I think I'm going to be ok. I do.  I made it through today and I'll make it through tomorrow.  If the medication works, then great.  If it doesn't....I have options.  It's not a dead end road.  There is hope for me.  

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Just because I feel bad doesn't mean that life stops.

A couple weekends ago I went to Arizona with the boss.

It was nice to soak up some warmth.



One of the evenings we got all gussied up and went to a fundraiser.



I look perfectly happy don't I? It's so easy to fool people.




The first part of the evening was alot of walking around and drinking. The constant chatter started to get to me so I hid in a bathroom stall and blew kisses to my husband via video.



After we ate dinner, the live auction started.  It took forever.  My boss thought so too and he wanted to leave.  That was fine with me.  I was so tired at that point I didn't even care about the entertainment.

It probably was a good thing I wasn't feeling well otherwise I might have been bummed to have missed Michael Buble and the Band Perry.

On another note....I have started eating a little better.  Usually a salad for lunch.

And I've been exercising everyday.

I don't feel any better.  But my pants are getting looser so that's a good thing I guess.

I see my doctor on Thursday.  I'll let you know how it goes.

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The last time I saw Jaime she said that a pharmaceutical rep told her that Viibyrd only works if you take it with 350 calories.

It's only 50% effective if you don't.

I have been taking it on a empty stomach.

So ya.

That would have been nice to know, say, a year ago.

So I started taking it with food.

I haven't felt any effects with the Welbutrin yet.

They say to give it six weeks.  I think it's been three.

I lose track.

I am just sludging through life these days.

I have no motivation.

No energy.

And no enjoyment with anything.

It's hard.

Really hard.



I force myself to get out of bed.  I force myself to get dressed.  I force myself to brush my teeth.  I force myself to stand up straight.

Everything takes so much effort.

I wake up tired.  I go to work, counting down the hours till I get to go home and take a nap.  I nap  from three till five.  I get through the next four or five hours.  I fall asleep.  I sleep the whole night through.

I wake up tired.

So I pray.

Please help me get through this day.

And I hope.

Maybe the full effect of Viibryd will kick in.  Maybe the welbutrin will help in a week or two.  Maybe one morning I will wake up and this heavy, dark fog will have lifted.

Now that the weather is nicer, I'm going to start walking.  Exercise is suppose to help depression.  It can't hurt.
I also need to eat better.
A cookie for lunch isn't good for my energy level.
So while I'm waiting for the right drugs to kick in, there's other things that I can do to help myself. Its just that I'm so tired.  It's hard to find the energy to do those things.

But I guess I just have to dig deep don't I.
Maybe if I dig deep enough, I will crawl out of this hole.

On a more cheery note...here are some pictures of my amazing boys.  They are the foremost reason why I will dig deep.

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