I have been going to the same dentist for fourteen years.  He was very nice.  But very old.   As was his equipment.  

It was time for a change.  

As soon as I walked into my new dentist office....I knew I had made the right call.  For one thing....there were computers at the front desk.
And  hygienist cleaned my teeth.  Not the dentist.
And the x-rays!!!  My old dentist would peer at a tiny slide held up to a  fluorescent light with one eye shut.
Today I saw several images of my teeth on a TV screen.   And the dentist explained bone density, sinus cavities and jaw structure.

It was very pleasant.  And informative.

I have all four wisdom teeth and they are in good shape.  My gums are firm.  My teeth and roots are healthy.

And it's all because I never floss.

OK...they didn't tell me that.  After my exam I always mention it.   I smugly say, "I have only flossed four times in my whole life!  What do you think of that!?!"

They always say....there is no guarantees.

My boss always said, "Only floss the teeth you want to keep."

I should probably start.

But why mess with something that seems to be working for me?  I think the only secret I can share is that I brush my teeth for a long time.  Sometimes I walk around with a toothbrush in my mouth.

When I arrived at the office I filled out three pages of personal information and health history.

One of the questions was...."Please mark your response if you have or have not had any of the following diseases or problems."

High Blood Pressure
Heart Attack
Stroke......
Mental Health Disorder

What difference does that make?  Do I have to check yes?  And if I checked yes....I would have to "please explain."

Great.

I checked yes.  And wrote "clinical depression."

When the dentist came in and looked over my forms, I chatted nervously.

I wonder what he thought.

Maybe he didn't think anything.  Maybe he sees alot of those checked boxes and I am just one of hundreds.

Or maybe he thought, "Oh great.  Another loony.  What's she going to do?  Bite my fingers when I get close to her mouth?  Start singing 'It's a small world after all'?  In Portuguese?"

I did neither by the way.

I'm grateful that even though my mental health isn't the best, my teeth are darn near perfect.

If only they made this sort of floss....



 I would floss fourteen times a day.

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Have you ever made croutons?  You should try it.  Cut a thick loaf of bread or rolls into cubes.  Toss with melted butter and garlic power.  Bake in a 350 degree oven for 20 minutes or so.

Try and eat less then five.   You won't be able to.  



I have cramps of the female sort today.  The cold weather intensifies them.   I took a shower to warm up.  When my boss was alive, we would run her lotion bottle under hot water to warm it.  It was so much more soothing.

I decided to try it for myself.  I took my lotion bottle in the shower with me and after I dried off, before I even got out,  I smeared the warm lotion on my legs.  

Why have I not done this before now?



Le Creuset is a brand of cast iron enamel cookware.  The manufacturer makes a variety of cookware but when I think of Le Creuset....this dutch oven is what I think of.

Mine is not Le Creuset.  It's from Target  (Giada De Laurentiis).  I absolutely love it.  I think the appeal is that it can go from stove top, to oven, to table.

I can brown the meat on the stove, slow cook it in the oven and then serve it right from the pot because it's so darn pretty.

Le Creuset has a gorgeous blue color.  If I could....I would purchase this....


Pretty!!!

And this set too...



The price is a tad hefty.  The first picture is a thousand bucks and the second is around five hundred.

Yikes.

That's why I don't have Le Creuset.
 I have Giada.
 From Target.  But it's still a great pot.  It's really heavy.  It cooks food evenly.  It's fairly easy to clean.  Mine was around a hundred dollars on sale.  It is a splurge.  But if you love cooking, you will use it often.

I was going to talk about the deer triplets I saw today on my bosses property but I wasn't sure how to tie it in....Croutons, Cramps, Creuset and Triplets?

That just doesn't make since.

But I guess this entire posts doesn't make alot of since.

It's just stuff I was thinking about today.

 This is a hard week for me.  Alot of reasons.  One is that every year for the past five, I traveled to Arizona with my boss to help her with Thanksgiving guests.  Maybe i'll post more on that later.  Maybe I won't.

I'm really teary tonight.  Just thinking about everything.  Her.  Changes in my house.  Changes in my life.  Some of it is good stuff.  But change is still hard.

Hey!  I could have named this post....Croutons, Cramps, Creuset and Change.

No.  That sounds weird.  I'll just leave it as is.

When my son was little he once called "croutons" "curtains".

Funny.

I must be tired.

I'll go now....

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I haven't seen my niece and nephew in a very long time.  And when I finally get to....well....you know....it's fun to get stuff !

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I saw Jaime yesterday.  It was good.  But also frustrating.  Apparently I am ashamed that I have depression.  I don't like to talk about it and I don't like to tell people that I have it.

Why?

Because...."I have no reason to be depressed!"

Jaime says that I have probably told her that at least 45 times.  She says, "You don't need a reason.  The chemicals in your brain are not normal.  It's as real as diabetes."

Blah blah blah.

I ask, "Can't you just find a reason?  I would feel much better about my issues if there was one."

We moved on.

She said, "I think you are codependent."

Finally a reason!  Wait....

I said, "Nope.  That's when you are married or caring for someone with an addiction.  That's not me."

She said, "Not necessarily.  Let's take a little quiz."

"OK."

"Answer 'yes' or 'no'."

Codependents may....

~ think or feel responsible for other peoples feelings, actions, choices, well-being or lack of well-being.
~feel anxiety and guilt when other people have a problem
~feel compelled to help that person solve their problem
~anticipate other peoples needs
~find themselves saying yes, when they mean no.  doing things they don't really want to be doing.  doing more then their fair share of the work and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
~ not knowing what they want and need or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important
~ try to please other's instead of themselves
~ find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather then injustices done to themselves.
~ feel safest when giving
~ feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to them
~ find themselves attracted to needy people
~find needy people attracted them
~feel bored, empty, and worthless, if they don't have a crisis in there lives, a problem to solve or someone to help
~abandon there routine to respond to or do something for someone else
~reject compliments or praise
~pick on themselves constantly about they way they look, feel and behave
~feel different from the rest of the world
~think they are not good enough
~tell themselves they cannot do anything right
~be afraid of making mistakes
~wonder why they have a tough time making decisions
~expect themselves to do everything perfectly
~feel alot of guilt

.....she went on and on.  I just sat there.

Yes.  I feel every one of those things.

Fine.  Maybe I am codependent.  Whatever that means.  She gave me a book to read about it.  I flipped through it while I was there.  I kept saying..."See!  This isn't me.  These people have REAL problems in their lives".

 A alcoholic husband.  A troubled child.  A relationship hopper who went from one meth addict to the next.

No wonder they have issues!

They have a reason to be codependent.

Just give ME a reason.  Why am I codependent? Why do I have depression?

She asked me, "Why does there have to be a reason?"

I said, "Because if I knew why...then maybe I can fix it.  If there was a REASON then I could study, research, find out why I am why I am.  Label me.  Please.  Then I can google it, order books on it.  If I knew the reason...then maybe I would get better."

She said, "I am not a "backwards" therapist.  I don't dig into the past.  Not your childhood and not yesterday.  You are who you are today.  Let's work on how we can make your life better right now.  Whatever issues you are experiencing today.  And today you want a reason.  There isn't one.  Stop looking for it and accept who you are.  You have depression.  You are codependent.  Accept those things and lets see how we can deal with them so you can live the fullest life possible.  Today.  Stop feeling guilty about things you cannot control.  There is not a reason."

"But!  But!"

She gave me the book.  It's actually pretty good.  I'm trying not to analyze every example and wonder why none of them is me.  I just look for the good parts.  The parts where codependents get better.  Where they start caring for themselves.  Where they become more balanced.  Where they forgive themselves and move on.  Where they stop the self destructive behavior.

No matter what the reason is.  

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It says....

 "Your journey has molded you for your greater good.  It was exactly what it needed to be.
Don't think you've lost time.  It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now.  And now is right on time."

It's a journal I bought at the craft fair a few weeks back.  The artist had alot of cool stuff.  I saved her card.



I kind of like this picture.  Snippets of my life.
 My infant nephew.  He is enormous now.
A Nebraska sticker "The Power of Red".
The orange striped shirt is me.  The hands beside it are my bosses. It was the last picture I have of her and I together.

Today was hard.  My mind was racing.

 Would you like a sample of my mind?  I found this at Target....


As I stood there holding it....

"Am I to old to have a notebook like this?  Is this for kids?  Would anyone think I was weird for using it?  Do I even like these colors?  I think I like green and blue together.  Or do I?  Maybe it's to small. Do I even really like this?  How will I feel when I pull this out of my bag to use it.  Happy?  Embarrassed?  For goodness sakes it's just a notebook!  You are such a weirdo!  No wonder you need therapy. Good thing you are seeing Jaime tomorrow.  What would she say about this?  She would say 'Will you use it? Do you like it?'  and I would say,  'I don't know!  I think I do.  Or maybe I just want to like it but I really don't!'  Wow.  What a waste of time and thought.  You are such a freak sometimes."

I threw it in the cart and walked to the check out line feeling dazed.

I was thinking about the quote above.  Am I grateful for my "journey"?  No.  Why would I be grateful for pain and heartache?  I hate this journey.  It's not fun and it's really hard.  Somebody get me off this road please.  And contrary to the quote....I have lost time.  I have missed out on so much.  And that isn't going to change either.  Sometimes I can't be there physically and other times I may be present but unable to enjoy it.
  
Your probably wondering why I said I liked the quote when all I've done is pick it apart.

I do like it.  It reminds me that all is not lost.  That even though I may  not like this journey...it's MY journey.  And I can use it to better myself or I can give into it and let the bad things that happen mold me into someone I don't want to be.  And that even though I have lost time, there are many many more good times to be had.  And that even though this road is tough, at least I'm still on it.  

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My weekend was both emotional and productive.  Which is strange because those two don't usually go hand in hand.

But this weekend it worked in my favor as I had all this nervous energy just waiting to be expressed somehow.

So I cooked.  I made five meals and doubled four of them to freeze.

The picture above is the peas I tried to pick out.  Why do they put so many in mixed vegetables?

I often use Walmarts "Great Value" brand.  I've done my own taste testing and I can't tell the difference between a "Great Value" bean, noodle or vegetable and a more pricey brand.



I had my side kick close by.



She is just waiting for me to drop something.

Cooking takes my mind off a lot of things.    And it helps so much getting all this done in advance.


My helper was tired by the end of the day.


So was I.  


Tired...but happy too.  

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Yesterday was my day off.  I ran around most of the morning and afternoon.  I got a pedicure.


Which is a bit ridiculous since no one will see my toes.

But it sure felt good and the design makes me happy.

I realized that I will never wake up and say, "I am finally happy!  Wow!  That was a long haul but I actually beat this thing!"

I have happy moments.  I was at Costco yesterday and passed by some samples.  I overheard a little kid ask his mom..

"Can I have one more?"

"No."

"But why?"

"Because you already had one."

"But why?"

I remember those "but why" days.  

I smiled thinking about when my boys were little.  

So that was a happy moment.

But then I saw someone that I knew and I didn't want them to see me.  I got that burning feeling in my chest and it shot straight to my face.  I rushed to the check out line.  I couldn't find my Costco card.  I almost burst into tears.  I told myself over and over....You are so unorganized!  Why can't you keep it together!  You are so stupid!

Poof!  Happiness gone.

It's hard to shake those negative voices. It makes me so tired.  I wanted to go straight to bed after I got home.


Today was better.  The work day went fast.  I found this....



I wondered if she put the thread between her lips to make it easier.

I texted her son.

"Did she do that?"

"Always."

"Did she need glasses to see the needle eye?"

"When she got older she did."

"OK.  Thank you."

It was just important for me to know.

Tomorrow will be busy.  We are in the process of moving Micah downstairs.  So the house is tore apart.  I am trying not to freak out about it.  Sometimes I look at all the stuff I have and I feel smothered.  And I have so many projects that I want to do.  I was clearing out a cabinet and came across all my photo albums.  It took everything I had to just put them in a tote and close the lid.  I really wanted to go through all of them and eliminate pictures I don't need.  But I don't have time for that right now.

I am very anxious and nervous these days. Can you tell?  By the end of the day tomorrow I will have some answers about some things.

I hope that my mind will be calmer.  I hope that Sunday will be relaxing and that I will feel some peace.

I hope.

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Awhile back my boss was given a fluffy pink robe.  She loved it.  In fact, she loved it so much that she thought everyone should have one.

So she found out where it came from and bought ten.

Let me just side track here and say something about my boss.  She was the most generous person I knew.  She had the means to be generous.  But she also had the thoughtfulness to go with it.  You had to be careful what you said around her.  If you mentioned that you liked this or that she would say,  "Do you want it?  I will buy it for you!"
And when she found something she liked...she wanted everyone to enjoy it too.

I received a pink robe.  It was summertime so I didn't wear it.  But now that it's cold outside....It's perfect.

Except that it makes me so sad.

The last month or two of her life, she wore that robe all the time.  That's how I picture her.  

She was so very very sick.

Pink robe = very sick boss = sad me

So.  That's the story of the pink robe.




I wish I could see it as a gift.  And for goodness sakes, it's just a robe.

Hopefully someday when I wrap myself  in it I will picture her as the strong, active person she was.  Dressed in beautiful suits with the perfect accessories.  Bustling out the door to attend a meeting or a luncheon.

Instead of....well...some words are just to sad to type.

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I keep what I paint.  







I realize that it's almost on the floor.  

Still. 

Progress.  

AND...it's right below my two chick-a-dees. 




 Who remind me every day that I am strong.  

That I am enough.  

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Friday night I made some cards.  They were easy and simple.
  





I'm finally sending these out.  





I wish I could hand deliver them.  But I can't.  So this is what I can do.

Saturday the boys went on a riding trip.    






They got the bikes nice and dirty.  Which means they had fun.  

I went to a craft fair.

I found a barn wood frame for 35 bucks!









Sunday was.....OK.  I didn't feel good.  Very anxious and agitated.  All over the road.  Extremely tired.  Keith and I went to Scooters in the morning.  Then I took a three hour nap.  I could have slept all day.  I forced myself to get a few things done.  I hate it when I'm feeling low AND my body suffers too.  It's not fair.  

OK.  No pity party.  I am thankful that no one got hurt riding.  I am thankful that I have beautiful family pictures to send out.  I am thankful that I have a nice warm bed to lay my head down.  

I am thankful that I have tomorrow.  

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I like to paint.  



And I like rock.




It's a good combo sometimes.  



It helps me forget things.  It eases my mind. 

I'm not very good at painting. 
And that's ok.  


I never keep what I paint.  I would pick it apart to much.  

But it's still good for me.  

The music is too.  

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OK, she's not really a doctor.  But she should be.

Every time  I'm on my way to see her...I tell myself that I don't need to.  And when I first get there.. I go on and on about how life is so grand.

And then she waits.
And then I tell her how I'm really feeling.
And then the tears come.
And then she starts to reassure me.

You are a good person.
You are not perfect and that is OK.
You are stronger then you think.
You are stronger then you think.  

She told me today that she read an article how a depressed persons brain looks healthier when it is on medication.  And when a person goes off of it...it actually damages the brain.  Scientific fact!

I think she is afraid I will go off my meds.  I won't.  But there is always that voice.  It's either....

"I am so happy that I don't need medication anymore!"

(which is a oxymoron)

Or...

"I am so unhappy the medication must not be working!"

Medication does not cure you.  I sure wish it did.  But it's like a Tylenol.  It will dull the headache but the headache is still there.  It just helps you get through the day.

Sometimes I walk out her door and I don't feel any better.

Today I felt stronger.

So I blasted the song above on my way to Costco and sang at the top of my lungs.

Call me crazy for liking it.

But I guess I sort of am.

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Is getting printed on canvas and will hang on my living room wall.

It's perfectly us.

And this one....



Is perfectly them.

And so are these.....





And these?  These are really good too....





And so are these...
















I love this family.

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