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Not all my days at work are full of doom and gloom.

Just most of them.

But today?  Today was a really good day.  The boss felt good.  And not only that...she was in a excellent mood.

Getting those two elements to happen on the same day...is almost impossible.  Once in awhile she is in a good mood.  But she feels miserable.  Or she feels good but her mood is foul.
Both are very difficult and stressful to handle.  
But today was exceptional.
She had enough energy to get through some items that have sat on her desk for quite some time. She answered the phone three times today.  She wrote a beautiful letter to a friend.  She talked to her dogs all day.

I called a nurse after the day was done and told her about a wound that was almost gone.  The nurse told me to save the absorbing bandages for future wounds that break open.
I told her...."but there may not be any more wounds!  She is doing so good!  She seems like she is  getting better!"

The nurse was quiet.
I said, "I know I know.  Don't say it. Just let me have this day."
And she did.

I can wish for a thousand more like this one.

I may get twenty.

I may get one or two.
 
I will savor and be grateful for whatever I get.

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We got our family pictures taken this weekend.

I searched and scoured the internet for a talented photographer that would go to a location of my choosing.  I wanted a CD and the rights to print as many photos as I wanted. I needed someone affordable.  

I found her.   Erin Brodhead.  She was nice, casual and made us feel really comfortable.

She posts one picture a couple days after the shoot on her Facebook.  I will get to see the rest in two to three weeks.

I can't wait.

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I love Scooters.  And not just any Scooters.  One in particular.  It's very close to my house.  The girls are sweet and they know exactly what I want.

"Large green tea blender with mango and a chocolate muffin not warmed?"

"That's it!"

"That will be $22.50."

Not really.  But still.  It's not cheap.  It's a splurge that I do about once a week.  Ok...sometimes two.
I like coming here because I'm alone but I'm not alone.  It just feels safe.  And I like the chatter of the baristas.  The grind of coffee.  The...

"Thank you for choosing Scooters!  Order when your readeeee!"

I have a spot too.  A tiny round table in the corner by the window.  Not much of a  view but still nice.




I blog here.  I meal plan here.  I journal here. The time goes really fast.  I can easily spend two or three hours here.

I don't mind if someone comes with me.  But I don't want to talk.  If my husband had a laptop...I think he would come more often.  Micah joined me in the summer.  He would put his headphones on and watch Friday Night Lights on his phone.

But I like to come by myself too.
It's something I do for myself.  I always feel refreshed and my mind a little clearer when I walk out the door.

And $8.50 poorer.

 

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The last couple months my depression has gotten so much better.  It has been about a month since I have felt the weight of exhaustion when I'm not physically tired.  When all I could think about was sleeping as soon as I got home.  Or since I have dragged my body through every task and felt no enjoyment in doing anything.

It's been great.  I have alot of energy and I enjoy doing things.

However....my anxiety is sky high.  I am jumpy and antsy.  My mind races over the most trivial things and I am trying to solve problems that don't have answers.  I scare easily.  A sudden noise or movement can send my heart thumping hard.  I am starting to get scared of things that may or may not even happen. Something as serious as falling down the stairs to as simple as a book sliding off the table.

I talked to Jaime about this today.  Its a bummer to feel so good one on hand and on the other... so unsettled in my mind.

It's very uncomfortable.

She reminded me of an experience I had a month or two ago.
 I saw two riders crash.
 Right in front of me.
 One was my son.
 It was terrifying. Even though they were not injured...it was traumatic.
She said I may be going through PTSD.
I told her I hardly think about it anymore.  I don't see it in my mind like I did the weeks following the crash.
And what does that have to do with worrying about how many tomatoes I will need to make 10 quarts of sauce?
That's what my mind was rolling over for a good 20 minutes last night preventing me from sleeping.
Nonsense.
She said that may be something else.
But the jumpiness,  my heart pounding could be systems of PTSD.
So I said...now what?
She said it usually takes a good two or three months for your brain to return to a "normal" state after experiencing a traumatic situation.
Until then she gave me some coping techniques.
And as far as my mind racing...she is holding off on adding another medication just yet.  Because my mind is feeling better and less full of doom and gloom, I may be subconsciously  filling my mind with menial problems. Because deep down I want to solve things and make everything better and when I don't have anything to "fix" I feel uncomfortable.
I don't buy it.
I feel uncomfortable NOW.
I don't want to fix anything.
But I'll wait.  She gave me some suggestions on how to calm my mind a bit.   Remember to breathe deep and not just at night.  She also told me to suck on peppermints.
She said they help clear the mind sometimes.
I wish it would have been chocolate.
Although if that was the case my mental health wouldn't not even be a issue.  I would be as happy as a boy on a dirt bike.  

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My job feels like a roller coaster these days.  The weekend was terrible. But then yesterday the boss started feeling better.
And today she feels better still.
I have been preparing myself for a down hill slope for so long that it's hard for my mind to switch gears.
She's eating better.  She's sleeping less during the day.
I am so happy for her.  
But it's hard too.  Because I know she is never going to get better.  She will never beat this thing.  But days like today....make me believe that she will.
Even though tomorrow...could be terrible.  
I wish I could put more details on here about my work.  About my boss.  But I just can't for privacy reasons.
There are some heartbreaking moments.
There are times that are so funny that I can't believe she just said what she did.
There are times when I am doing something for her and I think....I never thought I'd be doing this.
There are times when I think....I can't do this anymore.  It's all just to much.
There are days that I don't want to go home.  Because her home feels like my home.  
There are moments when my stomach drops...like the feeling you get when you are flying downhill on a roller coaster.
There are moments when I want off the ride.
And other days...I hope it lasts forever.

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That's what my husband said when he brought this mess in from the garage.
I said, " I think its ridiculous that they are in that tiny tote."
He said, "They fit in there when they are wrapped up."
I said, "I don't believe it."


There are 20 of them.

Today he told me that he was at Lowe's and bought some work supplies and then realized that he didn't have any ratchet straps in his truck.

So he had to go back inside and buy four.

Now THAT is ridiculous.

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