We went to Red Lobster for our anniversary.  I know I know. Don't make fun.  We love it!  The cheddar biscuits alone are worth the trip!  Trust me on this.  Plus we all love seafood.  Which I think is a little odd.  It seems like at least one of us should hate it.  I mean, do you know of any family that all member's love seafood? 

I didn't think so. 

I realize there are probably better seafood places.  But for the money....Red Lobster is our choice. 

We had talked about going to dinner just the two of us. But at the last minute....decided we wanted the boys with us. 

We have been a family for twenty years and they are a huge part of it so it just made since. 

So as we were waiting for our food I asked Micah to do the "finger thing". 


"Come on.  Please?  Just show us the finger thing."




There it is!  It's freaky but cool. 

How about you Darren?  Do you have any talents?



"Uh...I have a pretty sweet farmers tan."




"Oh.  Wow.  OK.  That was....pretty cool. I guess"

Soon after, the food came and we stuffed ourselves silly. 

This post has no point.  Except that we are a talented bunch of folks.   A little odd.  Alot weird.  And very loved. 

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I have read about twenty books and scoured countless Internet sites on how to care for a elderly person who is dying. 

I still have some questions.  Why can't I find answers for these?  I really want to know.

1)  Will she die at home?

2)  How long will she be bedridden?

3)  Or will she even be bedridden?

4)  Will it be peaceful?

5)  Will it be agony for her?

6)  How will I feel?  Shock?  Sadness?  Relief?

7)  Will I be there?

8)  If I'm not there, will I feel sad and disappointed that I missed her last breath?

9)  Who will I hug first?

10)  What will be the first phone call that I make?

11)  Will the family push me out because I'm not "family?"

12)  Will a nurse be there?  Will hospice be involved?

13)  Will she have that last spurt of energy I have read about?

14)  During her last days will she turn angry and say things she doesn't mean?

15)  Will she talk to people who are not there?  Should I play along with this?

16)  Does the "death rattle"  really sound like a rattle?

17)  Will she stop eating and drinking?

18)  Will I get to say goodbye?  What will I say?

19)  How much time do I have left with her?

20)  HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE LEFT WITH HER?

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I grew up in Lincoln Nebraska.  I tried to find a image of something that represents Lincoln.  I googled it and the majority of the pictures were Memorial Stadium and the state capital, which alarmingly looks like a male body part and this is a family blog so I opted for the stadium pic.  My other options were   people I didn't know and houses I have never seen, plus a few pictures of the university.  Which I didn't attend. 

I have been to a few football games so at least I don't feel like I'm cheating with a picture of somewhere I have never been. 

But this post isn't about football. 

Or Lincoln really. 

On Saturday me and my husband spent the day together running around my hometown.  My mom had created a fantastic list of places that she knew I would love.  She wrote us about seven different notes full of instructions and other things.  I took a picture of all of them and was going to post it but decided not too. 

I kind of want to keep her words to myself. 

Anyway, we woke up fairly early and had breakfast here. 



I don't think we have Greenfields in Omaha.  It was good and fairly cheap.  Especially because we split a meal. 

Next stop was a Goodwill.  My mom had listed several and had assigned them stars on how she felt they rated.  I knew I had to go to the one with the most stars because my mom knows her Goodwills.  And she was right about this one. 



My favorite is the red shirt.

Love the ruffles.



Of course I had to look at the skirts.  I found this one. 




I realize that I already have a insane amount of skirts.  But I wear them all the time!  And besides...look how cute this one is!  The lines! The flare!

I need help.

Target was just around the corner from the Goodwill so we stopped for coffee and a few other things. 



I love how he is pulling the chair out for her and she looks so cute in her denim vest.  I bet you a hundred bucks there is a Kleenex in one of her pockets. 

Next stop was a shop called Good Things.  It's located in a big red house. 




Every room was full of fun and interesting goodies. 

I bought this...



And this....


It reminded me of my sons.

We were starting to get hungry.  We had a gift card for Cold Stone Creamery so guess where we went for lunch.


Barnes and Noble was close by so he let me go in and smell the books.

Last stop was Home Depot to buy some flowers to jazz up my mom and dad's deck. 

After that we headed back to my parents house.   

It was a good day. 

How could it not be? Time with my husband.   Ice cream for lunch. Score at goodwill.  A bookstore, and a cool house full of weird and useful things. 

I'd give it five stars. 

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My mom and dad were out of town for the weekend so we stayed at their house and watched the cat.  Last week was one of the most stressful that I have ever had at work. So by Friday...I was wound up tight, irritable, nervous and anxious.  

My boys had arrived the day before and of course all their stuff was strewn about everywhere downstairs which would make a normal person nuts so you can imagine what it did to me. 

I left them down there and went upstairs.  I walked from room to room.  Touching everything.  I opened my mom's closet and smelled her clothes.  I sat at my dad's desk and looked at all his keepsakes.

 The picture above is my parents by the way.  They were and still are adorable. 

I saw things that reminded me of other family members.


My niece


My nephew




My sister


My Grandparents on my dad's side



My Grandparents on my mom's side



(The tile reminds me of their old kitchen floor).

All of the sudden I was flooded with memories.  I had such a intense yearning to touch all of their faces, breathe in their scents and hear their voices.   I felt my heart squeezing tight. My legs felt like I had just swam ten miles. My head started to ache.   My ears were ringing. 

It was all to much. 

I went back downstairs.

I was jittery and couldn't settle down.  I busied myself cleaning up.  Yelling at the boys to get themselves organized.  Moving from one room to the next.  Forgetting what I was doing. 

I got ready for bed and had a good cry. It didn't make me feel better or worse. 

 I couldn't sleep.  When I did, my husband said I was shaking.  I don't remember dreaming.  Maybe I was just cold.  Maybe it was a combination of a very hard week and the start of a emotional weekend. 

Saturday was better.  Keith and I spent the day alone and ran around town.  I'll blog about that tomorrow.  After the kids came home we ordered pizza and watched Pure Luck.  Which is my favorite comedy movie.  I still laugh hard at all the funny parts.  It felt good to relax and laugh. 

I slept terrible again Saturday night.  Sunday (today) I left early and headed to work. 

When I got there the bosses son filled me in on the nurses and other important things to remember. He was flying home today.  I cried and  hugged him and he choked back tears and said, "After I leave, go give mom a hug and talk with her."

I said, "I will."

It was a tough morning.  

 I left around noon, came home and promptly got into bed.  I slept for three hours. 

I felt much better.  Still feeling raw from the weekend and the week before.  But better. 

We will see what this week brings. 

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A few nights ago,  I  helped my boss with her bedtime routine.  After she was in bed I hugged her bony shoulders and kissed her cheek.  She said, "I love you.  I can't thank you enough for all you do."

I said, "I love you.  I would do anything for you."

I really want to take care of her all by myself.  I want to help her 24/7.   But I can't.  It's impossible and completely unrealistic.   Jaime always said that I hate not being in control.  It's true.  I want to do it all.  But I can't.  I have to let it go.  I have to have help. 

Her sons agree that it's time for in home care.

 I agree too. 

I am exhausted.  I am mentally, physically, and emotionally fried.  I work long days. I work weekends.   I am a zombie by the time I get home.  Then when it's time for sleep, my brain won't shut off. 

I worry about her. 

I dream about her. 

Nurse care starts on Saturday.  Just for the morning and evenings.

I am relieved.

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Twenty years ago I married my best friend. 

Only I didn't know it at the time. 

We were young and dumb and in love. 

We grew together.  We grew apart.  We grew together again. 

I love this man. 



He has saved me in so many ways. 

I can't thank him enough. 

I can't love him enough. 

I can't wait to see what the future brings.  I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. 

I love you honey. 

Thank you.  For sticking by me through all these years. 


Thank you for giving me the best family a girl could ever want. 






I love this life. 

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