My husbands side of the family has just suffered a devastating loss.  We found out on Tuesday.  I was cleaning out my closet.  Moving the winter clothes downstairs and bringing the summer stuff up.  I was whining and complaining that I won't be able to fit into my summer clothes.  Then I found my exercise clothes and was wa-wa-wa-ing about not working out and that's why I can't fit into my summer clothes. 

Then we got the phone call.

How selfish and petty I felt. 

So many have lost.  He was a amazing husband, father, brother, grandfather and friend.  He touched the life of every single person he met.  He made you feel like you were the most important person in the world when he was talking to you. 

My husband is leaving tomorrow to be with the family. 

I'm thankful that I'm well enough for him to go.  That he feels confident enough to leave me alone. 

A few months ago I was so ill that I couldn't be left alone.  Not even for a moment.  I would have ran.  Or ended it. 

I am feeling so much better now.  I  shudder when I think of where I was.  That dark place.  It feels like a bad dream.

I'm so glad I woke up.

I can't be there for my husbands family.  But right now I am  strong enough for him to be. 

And that makes me feel really really good. 

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So over the weekend my blog reached over 1000 pageviews.  Which means that people are reading this.  That makes me happy and creeps me out at the same time. 

When I write I pretend that no one is reading.  That way I am honest and I write what I want without fear of being judged.  I try not to sugar coat my words.  I try not to over think things.  I try not to let my bad grammar embarrass me.

But people are reading.  Family.  Friends.  Strangers.  Or maybe it's just one person.  A creepy stalker guy who refreshes my home page every hour.  I just made his day. 




Whoever is reading this blog, thank you.
Except for you, creepy stalker guy.  Find a new hobby please.

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After a long day of riding it was time to eat and build a fire.
The boys collected the wood. 


I told him I have always loved him best. 

My oldest son says, "But I have made you FIYAAAA!!!!" (in the voice of Tom Hanks in Castaway.) 



OK.  You both win. 

In the morning we rode tracks for a bit then went to the hill climbs.


See the guy way up top in red?  That's my husband.


My oldest son and husband love these.


I think that's my son going up.


My youngest thinks the hill climbs are a bit intimidating.



He kept surveying the situation.  He's a smart rider.  He's confident enough to have fun but fearful enough to know when to stop.  He stepped back and said, "Nope.  That's just way to sketchy."

We rode back to camp and started to load up.  It's quite a process with three dirt bikes and one four wheeler. It takes alot of ratchet straps.



We had a great time.  It was nice to just be....US. 

A few months ago I was ready to leave everything.  Everyone.  To a life that would have been damaging in all aspects.  It didn't make any sense.  But in my mind, it was the only completely logical way to go.  Depression deceives you.  It makes the things you love  seem dark and gloomy and terribly hard to be around until you can't bear it anymore and need out of the cage your in. 

I beg and plead with myself all the time.
I say, "Please, please, please, remember how you love.  How they love you.  How beautiful this life is."

Remember remember remember. I want the feelings to glue themselves to my head.  To grow bigger and crowd out the bad ones whenever they start roaring.

Right now they are quiet.  And I am trying to rally in every single happy thought and moment that I have each day.  Life can be very very sweet. 

I'm so glad I'm here to feel it. 

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We loaded up Saturday morning and headed three hours east. 


One thing we love about Bluff Creek is that you can set up camp anywhere.  We always camp in the same general area though. It's just far enough away from the trails so that riders aren't constantly coming through here.   Bluff Creek is free.  And it has flushable toilets!  And showers! 

We unloaded the bikes and set up camp.



 And when I say "we" I mean, the boys and the husband did everything and I read a book. 

Then it was time to put our gear on.  I will admit, before we started riding, I would see people with these ridiculous outfits on and think...."That looks ridiculous!"



Alot of it is for safety.  Obviously you have to wear a helmet.  The  goggles  keep the dust out of your eyes.  The boots are a must.  They prevent you from crushing your ankles if you wipe out.  We also have chest protectors.  And my youngest has a neck protector. 






As for the jerseys and pants...In the beginning we protested.  Tried to ride with jeans and t-shirts.  It just wasn't comfortable.  So we joined the club.  And you don't look so funny in the club because everyone is wearing the same stuff. 




If you look closely at my gear you'll see I'm splattered with mud. 


The trails were muddy and I ripped right through it.  It was awesome. 


I was picking mud out of my hair all night long.

After riding the trails we went to the big track. 




I do like to ride.  But the best part for me is watching everyone else.  They love it so much. 

More later....

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We had a great weekend. 
I will write a longer post later. 

No one got hurt.


The bikes didn't break down. 




We all got "air".


And when I say "we"  that includes me.


I don't have pictures to prove it.  Just two eye witnesses. 
It was a blast. 

More details later....

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We are going on a  camping/riding trip over the weekend.  It's going to be freezing.  And fun!  And freezing. 

As you can see we highly value the importance of proper nutrition in my house.

See you Monday. 

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Even at my lowest of moods, new shoes can bring a smile to my face.  And who says money can't buy happiness?



I'm joking.

Although I love the pretty heels, these are my favorite shoes.




I wear them with everything.  Jeans, skirts, dresses and even with shorts. 

Today I wore these....



Do my shoes make my legs look white?
HAHAHA!

That's what happens after six MONTHS of winter. 

Shoes are fun.  Even if I'm feeling bad about myself, sometimes shoes can make it better.
That is therapy I will gladly throw money at. 

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